Sunday, December 4, 2011

Are you more than just a number?

Every Sunday I like to choose a pic or reference that touches me and reflect on it.nToday I chose this picture:

It was on my phone for several weeks. I really needed the daily reminder a few weeks ago.

It says, "You are more important than this number."

This concept is something I struggle with a lot. First, like I have said before on this blog, I've lost a significant amount of weight. But, I've never gotten to my goal weight. I've been in the 170-180 range for roughly 6 yrs. I was 268, so that's a huge decrease.

For the most part, if I eat well and exercise regularly, I feel fine at my current weight. 

However, I go through periods of wanting to get to goal. My goal is probably 150ish. The last time I was really focused on getting to goal was last year around this time through April. I got to 167, and could not get below that number. I gave up and gained 10 pds in the months since April. 

It's really discouraging to do everything 'right' and not be rewarded. This has happened a few times in the last 6 yrs, I get to 166-167, can't maintain or lose beyond that, and then gain back to 175-178. I maintain there...but I bounce up and down.

Right now, I'm in a semi-dangerous place. I have been here before, and I always come out of it. However, it always scares me. I'm in a place of ambivalence about my weight...

My thoughts are--I don't want to lose weight, this sucks, why can't I eat what I want. Whine, whine, whine.

On the flip side of those thoughts, when I weigh myself, I think that there is no reason why I can not get to goal. 

This morning I woke up, and my first thought was, "I want cereal." Before I got out of bed, I had consciously decided that if I ate cereal this morning, my day for "dieting" would be bad one. I actually started this blog post before eating my cereal, but went down stairs to eat it and then got busy.

In the time since I started the blog post, I've had time to think about that picture and what it means to my life.

I've come to the conclusion that my weight does matter to me.

But the  question really is, does a lower number matter to me? 

That's really something to think about. I'm really not sure. The weight bothers me at random times like, when I'm running or when I want to wear smaller pants.

I think a lot of my issue is what I put in my body. When I'm eating well, i feel good and lighter. 

So...yes, the number matters, but my personal happiness is more than important than the number. 

 I think rather than focusing on what my scale says, I should focus on what goes into my body.

With that said, i think I'm going to spend the next few weeks not trying to lose weight. I need to get back to journalling daily. I've slacked on that. So I will do that and I will focus on eating well and see what happens. I don't think I will lose a lot...but right now I'm spiraling in and out of binge mentality. I need to take the emphasis back off of weight and focus on my food/intake. 

I feel like this is just a really long rambling post...

Today, for my December goal of looking back at the yr, I will say I am happy that I decided to do a lot of self discovery this year. Through focusing on myself and what makes me happy, I've been able to make some very important cuts and changes in my life.

Oh and in case you are wondering, I did eat cereal for breakfast. I just measured it and measured my milk ;) I did have two servings. I have also had pineapple, 3 Oreos, and curry chicken. I'm heading to a party in a few. Let's hope the, "eat everything in sight" vibe doesn't take ahold of me.

In conclusion, this picture sums up my thoughts on weight loss and my journey. It's a running picture--surprise, surprise:

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