Friday, December 2, 2011

The anatomy of a B-I-N-G-E

When I started this blog, I didn't start it with the intention of making it a self help blog. However, I realize that I am at a point in my life that major change is happening. Change seems to be on the horizon in several avenues of my lilfe--professionally, personally, fitness-wise, relationship-wise, and weight-wise. Soo...I guess this blog is bound to take several different twists and turns. I hope the readers (holla if you are reading!!) are ready for a roller coaster.

So anyway, let me back up for a bit.

I went to Athletic Training on Wednesday evening. Athletic Training is an awesome class on agility and strength with several really nice and supportive trainers. There is also one special trainer that I have a HUGE crush on. He wasn't at the class, so that was a bummer. Just a bit about the trainer. I met him the first time I went to this gym. He reminds me of Lamar Odom, so I call him Lamar in my head ;)

The good thing IS he knows I exist. He always notices my car and waves or says hello to me when he sees me. He IS paid to be nice, right??

The bad thing IS he totally has the bad boy look going on AND he has kidS, with an S.

Anyone who has spoken to me about relationships, knows one standard I've set forward is NO children. I realize that I am quickly sliding in a whole new era--*30*, so I may have to bend a bit on this standard.

I have also set forth another standard. I can't go for bad boys. Every guy I have ever dated has the bad boy look/persona.

Now that I've completely lost you, let me get back to my point...

Wednesday I was a little sore. I was probably sore from my impromtu 'long' run on Tuesday.  I normally have intervals/tempo run on Thursday evening.

I woke up yesterday with my scheduled intervals still being planned for that evening.

Thursday started off as a normal day. I had my normal omelet for breakfast.  At some point that morning, I started getting a hankering for a coffee. I went to Starbucks to get some work in before lunch and ordered a Tall Skinny Peppermint Mocha. They were also sampling a whoopie pie. I took one. Now that I am writing this, I am realizing *THAT* little bite of whoopie pie probably set up my day of craving...

I normally do a working lunch with my teammate on Thursday. We went for Vietnamese and I had Pho. After I left her, I had some time before my next appointment, so I stopped at Berrypop. I ordered a small mango/blueberry cup with a tiny bit of cookie dough. The cookie dough was probably the second thing that ignited the binge receptors in my brain.

After the yogurt, I posted on FaceBook that I hoped it would rain. I didn't want to do the intervals. Shortly after that post, with no imminent rain, I decided that I was NOT going to do the intervals. To be fair, I was aching.

When I decided I wasn't going to the intervals, I subconsciously gave myself a pass for healthy living and decided that I would eat. So after work, I had to pick up some 'scripts from Target. On the way to Target, I planned my binge.

I knew I was going to binge, I did nothing to prevent the actual binge. I actually joked with a friend about what I was buying.

I didn't even PRETEND that I wasn't going to binge. I got Hint of Lime tortilla chips, salsa and pumpkin stuffed cookies. The binge feelings were going off so actively in my body that I couldn't even wait to get home. I ate some of the cookies in my car...

When I got home, I ate the chips and salsa. I finally stopped. I got a call from a friend that I don't speak to very often mid-binge. I FINISHED eating before calling her back. I couldn't interrupt that moment to even speak to a friend? I did call her back, and felt 100% refreshed after the conversation. She is older than I am, but we are in similar spots relationship wise. We are both scared and hopeless about ever finding *the* one. Speaking to her, made me feel normal. I know she looks at me as a 29 yr old, full of hope. But that feeling of living a life alone is very real and SCARY. Like very scary.

I finally was able to stop...
...but not before the feelings came.

You know those umbrella feelings:
Shame, guilt, anger...

Followed closely by the underlying feelings:
Hopelessness, not caring, lonliness, ambivelance

Ambivelance scares me the most. To me, ambivelance precedes giving up. I can *not* give up.

I have been on my weight loss journey a long time...11 years to be exact. I've lost a significant amount of weight, I've kept that weight off. In some eyes I am a success. However, in my eyes, while I know logically I AM a success and I am proud of myself. I know that the hard work needs to be done. I have identified my triggers-SUGAR! But, I have never worked through a binge and done something differently.

I think the first step to working on that IS acknowledging it publically, not just when/where it's safe.

So...I am acknowledging it.

I am acknowleding how I feel this morning:

I am acknowledging how I am thinking this morning:
WHY do I always do this to myself?

I am putting some stuff into action:
I brought my workout clothes with me to do intervals this evening.
I AM going to have to transfer the binge emotions. I may have to start using this blog for that. Hope no one minds...if they do, well, sorry.


HappyInHoboken said...

I am really proud of you for this post! I know it is tough but acknowledging is the first step, right? :)

Benita said...

N- That is how my binges go too. Once I start, I can't stop and I really don't give a Shxt either... That is until it is over. Then those icky feelings come over me and I just want to start over. But there are no do-over's. Just do-better's. I wonder if hyptnotism would work for us crazy girls... I've always wanted that binge mentality to be completly removed from my mind. I don't know if it would work, but how cool would that be to remove that mindset for good?!

laz22girl said...

It would be cool to just remove the binge mentality. I think it's the same part of the brain that rules addiction, so I doubt that can happen :/

Thanks for the input!