Saturday, December 31, 2011

I'm alive!

I haven't posted since I have been in New York!

It's been such a good week. It is always so nice to be back. It reminds me of why I chose this crazy place to educate me.

When I get back and settled, I plan to re-cap my trip, outline my 2012 goals, and write some other stuff.

I can't believe today is the last day of the year!!!

Monday, December 26, 2011

12 Goals for 2012

No processed sugars-80% of the time
Stop dieting/intuitive eating (will reevaluate if gaining)
4 vegan days a month

Activity everyday-The least being 10-15 mins/1 mile
Run a marathon OR race 6 races
Keep track of workouts
2000 miles of run, walking, spinning, elliptical

Continue to blog regularly
Keep a calendar for accountability 
Remain/seek out positivity
Move out, if feasible
Obtain LCSW licensure 

I started doing health related resolutions 2 years ago. In 2010, my goal was to exercise 4-5 times a week--accomplished and it's finally a habit!; 2011 goal was to continue to exercise, and to start journaling my intake. 

I have been successful on the exercising part. It's become such a habit, that it's hard to skip. 

However, I will say I was 80% successful with my journalling goal. I started out with a paper journal. About 6 months ago, I move to journalling on I was good with this, but i let others comments derail me. I stopped journalling there about 6 weeks ago. In the new year, I'm on the fence as to whether or not I want to start up again. I liked seeing what I was eating, but the community part of myfitnesspal can be overwhelming. So...I'm not sure. 

I am playing with the no dieting idea for a few weeks. I am thrilled at the idea of no dieting, but I'm scared of this, also. I do not want to gain, but I'm sick of the binge/restrict mentality. I'm much, much better than I used to be...but I just want to get to a place where I'm eating healthy most of the time. This year, I'm going to reach this goal.

I really think my biggest issue is sugar. So I think if I cut that out, I will be good to go. I have a huge sweet tooth, so it's going to be very hard to maintain this goal...but I think I'm ready. It's something I've thought about awhile.

I am in the process of making a list of acceptable sweet items that I will allow...but I'm going to cut out all pastries, sweet breads, cakes, cookies, etc. 

Enroute Saturday

I'm on the plane to NYC. This has been my first time to sit down and write in several days. The days leading up to vacation are always so busy. 

A lot has been happening, and nothing has happened...

I'll start with the nothing--I am not basking in the love glow of Lamar lol. I am not sure if that is a bad or good thing. I'm going to go with a good thing. We have texted, but no second dates... So I'm going to say, either he lost interest or he lost interest. I was going to say he is probably busy or other excuses, but that is bs. So anyway, I am cool. I am entering the new year single and ready for new adventures. Nothing wrong with that.

On to what has been happening:

~Work is over for the year. I love my work, but I need a break.
~I played fake Santa yesterday and did two drop offs to families. It was nice seeing people outside of my work role. 
~I have a cold--boo!
~Exercise has been good this week.
~Eating has not been that good :/

Since this is a slogging/fitness blog, I'll stick with that.

For the last 2-4 weeks, my body has been tired. I still workout, but I don't always WANT to workout. So...I've been allowing my body to decide my workouts. This past week, my body wanted to spin, so it spun. I went to spin 3 times, body pump once, ran once. I wanted to run this morning, but due to my cold and early flight, I bailed. I did bring a few workout outfits to get some sweating in while I'm in NYC.

When I get back home,  I plan to have one week of rest...and then Half training starts.

I'm running the Rock n' Roll half in DC, in March. I'm nervous and excited. I'm excited because I get to spend the weekend with a good friend. I'm nervous because I want to PR. My last half time was 2:57. I think I can PR from that. I'm a much stronger runner, and I will be doing regular speed workouts. However, I'm still nervous! 

I will also do a few 5 and 10ks before the half. 

I have not decided what training plan I want to follow, but I think I will do a Hal program. He is always reliable.

Now on to eating...

I have been teetering for about a month. I have been keeping a calendar of my workouts and the days I overeat. Well, December has not been a good month. I think my brain got wind of this crazy "no sugar" idea and has let loose. I am trying not to go hog wild, but at the same time, I'm not really watching.

I wish I was one of those people that lost their appetite when they are sick. Unfortunately, my appetite is as strong as ever...

Alright, over and out, I'd like to sleep...but the people next to me are having a feast. I want to ask for a taste ;)

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Wordful Wednesday

I go against the grain in all aspects of my life, so why would that change with a blog?

Most bloggers do Wordless Wednesday, but I'd like to do a mixture of both. I have way too many words going through my head to skip a day of talking ;)

A lot of stuff has been on my mind. But the most important thing is my ever present thoughts on running a marathon.

I want 2012 to be the year of the marathon for me.

I've been thinking a lot about running a marathon. I am not sure why I feel so strongly about running a marathon RIGHT NOW, but I do. I have so many thoughts on the actual physical aspects of running of marathon. That would take all day. I don't have that type of time, so I'll just give my emotional thoughts on running a marathon. In order to give my emotional thoughts, I'll have to share a little bit of my journey to this point. The next few paragraphs may be boring…

To go back in time a little, I'll say, I was the least athletic person in school. I actually started my senior yr of high school weighing 268. I didn't participate in gym--I was the towel girl. Prior to high school, I ran from sports/gym as much as possible. I remember in middle school, I weighed around 200 pds. I remember two events in middle school that mortified me--the first was the mandatory mile test. I WAS always the last one. I still get a little anxiety when I pass my middle school. I also remember being weighed in front of my whole 8th grade gym class. Hello, mortification!! Who ever thought of that idea, needs to be shot in the head, on sight (not literally--just in case that person comes up dead)

I went to two high schools. The first high school was very small--everyone knew me. I was not THE heaviest girl in the school, but I was third heaviest. I remember one girl used to taunt me about becoming as heavy as the heaviest girl in the school. Needless to say, I was not athletic at. all.

Fast forward to a few years past high school, undergraduate school, and mid-way through grad school, I had lost a significant amount of weight...but I had never taken exercise seriously. I'd join a gym, get fanatical about it, and then stop a few weeks/months later. I always wanted to exercise regularly, but could never make it a regular occurrence.

That all changed one day, I remember this day like it was yesterday, I had gone to a girl's night out and pigged out. I woke up the next morning and felt heavy and gross. I told myself, 'something has to change.' I had been maintaining my loss, but I knew that in order to continue maintaining and FEELING good, I'd have to do something.

Sorry to disappoint, but I didn't lace up and start running...but I did start walking. I walked and walked and walked more for several months. I was living in NYC at the time, so I started walking to and from work. I'd do my errands on foot. I would also just have walks around my neighborhood. At the time, I was living in Jamaica Estates, which is a picturesque community. (I lived in the apartment building bordering the HUGE homes--not IN a huge home ;)) The walks were really cathartic for me.

At one point, I realized that was not enough. Another friend had recently ran her 3rd or 4th marathon. She has four children, 3 of which have special needs. If SHE could, I could--not run a marathon, of course, but I could definitely try my hand at running.

So I was all gung ho. I got plenty of pep talks and just knew I could DO it…

So I went out and could not even run a block. I probably made it past two yards.
It was frustrating, it hurt, and I sucked at it.

However, thank God for good friends, I kept getting encouraged. So I decided to just add running jags to my walks. I did this for another few weeks; I'd just increase the jogging. I did this until I was jogging a full mile. After a mile, it was up from there. I was scared to death the hobby would end, but it never did.

My passion for it did change, though. Which I think scares runners. We all expect to be IN LOVE with running all of the time, but that's just not realistic--in my case, at least. I have a love/hate relationship with running. I've never been one of those, "I LOVE RACING, IT'S SO GREAT, I FLY" type of person.

I ran for mental sanity. When I started running, I worked in a high stress job, and running provided me time to service plan. I'd think about the families I was investigating and come up with the clearest plans to help them.

I never cared about how far or fast I ran, I just knew it provided me a calming effect.


Years later, I am still not obsessed with running...but I've become obsessed with competing milestone running accomplishments.

I ran a half marathon in 2010. What a humbling experience. I trained and completed it, but it taught me that I had a lot to learn about running.

Since 2010, I've been focusing on several things with regards to running. After the half in 2010, I was really humbled and it made me evaluate my running and my running goals. I spent a lot of time trying to get faster--I still desperately want to get faster--but every run, I was pushing myself to get faster. I was getting bit faster, but I hated running in the process. I am a slow learner, so it took me a while to realize that I need balance.

Since then, I've tried to find a workable plan that involved more than just running;
I spin, I go to body pump, I go to boot camp classes, plus I run.
I have also joined a running group. This has by far been the best thing for my running.

I have also FORCED myself to not compare myself to others. I still do, but I have made a deal with myself that I CAN get momentarily jealous of some fast bitch, but I CAN'T punish myself. I just need to push myself to my ability level.

So, long story, emotional thoughts on completing a marathon are simply,
It will be a completion of this very long weight loss and running journey. I mean, I will continue to run...but the marathon will really test my mental fortitude. Physically, I know I can.

However, my issues are mental. I psych myself out on each run. I think running 26.2 miles will both humble me and inspire me.

I also can't wait to get my 26.2 tattoo and car magnet. ;)

I saw this picture of Facebook this morning

I love it.

It encompasses my two goals:
~Always smile, even though sometimes I want to cry
~Keep running, even though there are times I never want to run again.

I love embedding videos--LOL. So I'll end with the Kirk Franklin song. I don't normally listen to gospel, but I love this song:

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Random confessions Tuesday!

This morning, I decided to bite the bullet and get up at 5am for 5:30 spin. I am always glad when I do this, it was a great ride!

However, while in spin, I started thinking about weird sweaty confessions.

Here they are, be warned:

~I wore the same clothes to spin this morning, that I wore to body pump last night. I know gross, right? I did this because I don't talk to anyone in class and I don't sit too close to anyone. I also hate the amount of sweaty clothes I accumulate! I swear I have a load of just workout clothes. I think I may be becoming a real worker outer.

~I went into spin with a hurt hamstring. I told myself to take it easy. Umm...we all know how that goes. I did not take it easy. I am happy to report that the hamstring pain does feels better. So that is a plus.

~My body pump instructor last night was an older lady. I admit to thinking that it would be a weak class. Yep, it's true, the old bitch totally whipped my ass and handed it to me. She was also pretty funny. If she hadn't have humiliated me so badly, I may have sought out more of her classes. 

~I am back on my man hating spree. Death to all people with penises ;)

~I know this is silly, but I think I have a curse on me. If I wasn't so afraid of bruhas, I'd go see one while in NYC. 

~I can't wait to move out on my own. I swear on my first weekend in my new apartment, I'm baracading myself in, getting bucked naked and not talking to anyone for at least 2 days!

~I am often glad when it rains. It gives me an excuse to not run outside ;)

~I wish I made more money. Lots more money. So many races, so little money!

~I've eaten like a PIG for at least 6 weeks. I can't wait til 1/1/12. My body is getting detoxed and I'm going no sugar! Failing at this venture scares the shit out of me, but I know it's the only way I'll lose the last 15-20 pds. 

~I have a set of kids I do play therapy with at work. They have totally stolen my heart and crawled in! Kids typically aren't my thing, but those kids really have me wrapped around their finger!

I think that's it!

I've been digging lil Wayne lately, so I'll leave you with his song, Mirror. If you slow down and go beyond his rapping and listen to the words, it's a pretty powerful song.

Happy Tuesday! Let's make it fast and easy!!

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Silly Sunday

I wanted to start with an embedded video of Silly by Deniece Williams. Here is the link, I don't think it's embedded. But, whateves

This song came on yesterday while I was driving home from my run. I have always liked this song, but never listened to the actual lyrics. I actually stopped trying to harmonize with Deniece, and listened yesterday.

This song really reminds me of my dating life. I always feel like I can attract men, but then the other shoe drops...and I feel so SILLY, that I thought they could have possibly been interested in me.

Why am I writing about this? Well, I have barely heard from "Lamar" since our first date. I don't actually think I told the blog world that we went out. Well, we did. We went for dinner on Wednesday. First, he looks so good outside of his personal training gear. Second, he is SO easy to talk to. We laughed and spoke for about 2 hrs. Third, he has muscles! In the gym he looks so tall/lean. As we were leaving, he gave me a big hug and the muscles flexed. I may or may not have wanted to go home with him. Don't worry, I did NOT! However, we did text for about 2 hrs once we got home.


If the date went that well, then why am I in a bit of angst about the lack of contact? I don't know. That's the million dollar question for all single people in the world.

Anyway, friday night and saturday, I was feeling a little Silly about thinking that he could have possibly been interested in me.

However, after 2 runs, countless talks with friends to analyze our communication, and self evaluation...I've realized that 1. feeling Silly is dumb. 2. It's HIS issue if he doesn't want to continue and 3. It's just been a few days. So I am trying to be all Zen about the situation.

I think there is a direct correlation between my alcohol consumption and my SILLY thoughts. Friday night, I was texting with a friend after a few margaritas. When I read my texts the next morning, I had to laugh. I may or may not have told her that I have rain and clouds over my life. Dramatic much? I actually have a pretty good life! Thanks, Kristen, for always being willing to text/talk/commiserate with me. I also called one of my good friends, who always knows exactly what to say to me to either 1. make me evaluate or 2. make me laugh. I have good friends! I can't wait for next week. I will have endless hours of girl talk.

Ok..moving on. Until tomorrow afternoon when I am scheduled to see Lamar. I go between wanting to completely ignore him, to wanting to be like "WHY?", to wanting to just be nonchalant. The nonchalant is probably the smartest route, but dammit if acting crazy doesn't FEEL good ;) I hear he likes crazy women, so maybe I should just let the pyshco hang out?? LOL.

Yesterday at my group run with the BGR girls, I committed to meeting up again to do speed work.

Sunday IS a rest day. I woke up fighting with myself. I kept going between this will be so fun to "N, just rest!"..ultimately, logic normally wins, so I went.

Before the run, I may or may not have spent a few minutes trying to get a decent self shot. These are my out takes:

After the workout, I kept think what a great workout!! I am always amazed at how cool the BGR girls are. Having them by side, or more accurately in front of me, pushed me to go past my comfort zone. But, umm, hello nausea and sore legs.

We did .5 warm up, 3x400s, light jog, 3 hill repeats, 1 mile cooldown...lots of girl talk. Nice 3 miles. Once I start half training, I will be adding more to that.

I have NEVER run 3 miles in 34 mins. Who cares about the :something after the 34 ;)

Since it's Sunday, I like doing a little inspiration, this quote is hitting me this week:

How true IS this?

Running is a physical movement, you can SEE/FEEL what you put in it...or if you don't put anything into it.

A bad run is probably the worse thing ever--ok, probably not--but it's a very humbling experience. My bad runs are typically very mental. If I TELL myself I am doing great, I am flying, I am looking good, I have good runs. The runs when I defeat myself before even starting, are the runs that make me want to go into hiding and never do it again.

Same for life. We live life, but very rarely do we slow down enough to evaluate life and what we are putting into it. After my break up with my ex boyfriend, about 18 months ago, I turned inward. I didn't really seek out interaction, and I just spent several months in hiding. About 6 months ago, it's like the cloud just lifted. I've put myself out there socially, and have been repaid tenfold. I've also made the CHOICE to be happy, and just that choice has yielded a good return! I am not Miss Happy Go Lucky. Never will I be that, I allow myself to wallow...but I have tried to just SMILE.

And it feels so good.

So anyway, that's a long ramble for Sunday.

I hope everyone is having a good days!

((And if anyone wants to send good thoughts my way regarding Lamar, that would be GREAT ;)))

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Saturday fun day!

Today had been a long day. I'm actually just getting home.

My day begun at 7:15. I met my beautiful Black Girl Run group for a large group run. We were supposed to start the run at 7:45, but I actually left my house at 7:45--oops, so I started around 8:10. I ended up running with a girl who was also late. One advantage to being in a black girl's running group is that we all seem to run on CP time ;)

It was a great run! I got to know a new person and it was so nice seeing all of the black girl running faces. It's such a warm, welcoming fun group! I met a lot of new people and it was like we were old friends.

After the run, one of the members (who is a yoga instructor) led us in a stretching yoga routine. In the middle of the park. Woohoo! Very cool.

This is me when I got home. I did a fake tree pose:

I'm meeting a smaller group tomorrow for speed work outs.

I just did 3 miles and yoga today...but I've eaten like i did a marathon :/

After the run, and a hot shower, I went to the mall. My sister and niece tagged along. This is my niece in Claire's. She grabbed a pair of glasses to try on:

After the mall, we went to basketball. My sister is super timid and afraid of fouling people. She is a great shooter, but can be very nonchalant about blocking girls. Before the game, I may or may not have threatened her that if she didn't play hard, I would spank her on the court. 1. I have never spanked her and 2. She listened. She played hard and good! She also scored 3 of the 19 points! The girls won!! 

This is them saying bye to the opposing team

These girls have heart! ~I would not have spanked her if she didn't play hard. I just wanted to motivate her!~

After basketball, we went to dinner. This was my fortune cookie:

I have been super, super, SUPER inpatient about the Lamar situation. My good friend has been telling me to BE PATIENT! This fortune cookie made me smile. The universe must be telling me to chill the fuck out!

I also went to a few more stores. I got a new suitcase and mittens for my trip in ONE WEEK!

I am now drinking wine and eating cookie dough....

A good ending to a good day!

Friday, December 16, 2011


I feel BLAH today. Not sure why I feel blah. But I do.

I didn't workout yesterday. Thursday has evolved into my day of rest. I did have fun cheering my sister on at her basketball game.

Here are some cute pics-

My niece drinking her "illegal juice". She LOVES the games. She calls it "Carrington Basketball". After the game, she normally runs on the court to meet Carrington and jabber about bball. She also holds her hand out for whatever is being passed out. She got a juice before we could grab her!

Carrington and her sidekick. Addy thinks Carrington is the beesknees.

I am not sure if I will be able to work out today.

Work calls.
Happy Hour calls.
Lamar hasn't called.

 I think I need to do more stalking. I told a friend last night that if he didn't call or ask me out again, I was going to stalk him until I wore him down. My friend was like, "We really ARE twins"...she met her husband at a gym, and stalked him, also. She has given me stalking tips ;)

I was being all zen about it. Now I am being all paranoid and crazy. My poor friends ;)

Alright, work calls.


Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Wordful Wednesday

Typically people do wordLESS wednesday, but I am feeling I will do random thoughts and favorite pics.

First pictures:

This picture was taken at a party a few weeks ago. I love it! My face is all scrunched up, but I love how carefree I look.

This is my little sister on nerd day. She looked so cute in this picture. She did this pose without knowing I was going to snap the pic. She is normally pretty sheepish about pics, but this picture captures her true personality--silly!

Santa Soul. One of my coworkers played Santa at a Christmas Party last night. He was hesitant to do it,but he said it was so fun that he wants to do it yearly. He made several kids very happy! He also made several babies cry. Who doesn't love a black guy dressed up in all red?
I'd like to see another special guy all dressed up in red ;)

This is my niece. Taken last week. Doesn't she look so trendy, yet smart?

When I wake up in the morning, between the time I open my eyes and get out of bed, I have a lot of random thoughts. This morning, I had such profound thoughts that I wanted to blog about, now I remember none of them. How profound, right?

These are on my mind now:
I am giddy about going to the gym this afternoon. It's a triple threat-great class, a friend who I haven't seen in awhile is meeting me there, and "Lamar" should be there.

I am hungry.

I want to RUN. But I need new shoes. I am trying not to run too much in my gym shoes.

8 more days until vacation! I was also asked to run in Central Park. Yay--can't. wait. I loved running in the city.

I have also decided to throw my name in the 2012 NYC Marathon Lottery. I hope I don't get picked, because my BFF is getting married in 10/12, but I want to get started on the lottery way of getting. Murphy's law is I will get picked. If I get picked, I will either defer OR run it.

Hmm...I really wish I could remember those profound thoughts.


Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Overwhelmed Tuesday

Ever just feel overwhelmed?

I am not so much overwhelmed with MY life. Things seem to be going ok, for now. Work is good; "Lamar" is still contacting me (~blush~); vacation is just a short 9 days away; life at home is good; I am healthy and my family is healthy.

However, I just have an overall feeling of being overwhelmed.

I think some of it is that it's Winter and it's darker outside. I've also been hearing stories of doom lately. I work in a profession where I hear sad stories on a daily basis. In addition to that, I have personal friends, coworkers and I belong to a few online forums. So between all of those venues, I see/hear a lot of 'news.' It gets overwhelming.

Just yesterday, I heard about a coworker's sister passing away. She has battled brain cancer for 2 years, was my age and just recently got married. I am not that close to this particular coworker, but we are cordial. However, I immediately teared up when I got the news. My life and mortality became more real. I really need to start learning how to live in the day, and not in the, "let's hope this happens" way.

I have also recently heard some really heartbreaking stories at work that just remind me that the world is not always a safe and happy place. Sometimes I feel like my hands are tied. However, I try to do what I can, when I can. When someone leaves a session smiling, even through their tragic circumstance, it gives me some hope that maybe my job is not for naught.

Anyway, going back to yesterday, I ate lunch at a building I don't normally go to. I am on the road all day. My stand-by McDonald's was blocked off by the police (??) I went to the public library. I am sitting, eating, reading my ipad and I look up at see this:

How beautiful, right? 

It made me smile :) I also loved the winter sweaters the figurines had on.

I did a lot of running around, but I left work feeling like I did SOMETHING. So that's always a good feeling. When I left work, I went to the gym for
That fuzzy pic says 23:xx on the elliptical

While listening to this:

After that I went to Body Pump. Body Pump isn't my favorite activity, but it's I keep going.

Prior to the class, "Lamar" texted me to see if I would be at the gym. He came to work a few hours early to scope me out in the class. ~giddy school girl giggle~

We didn't get a chance to see each other after class, because I thought he was with a client.

Oh well, it will still cool to see him, seeing me.

This morning, I woke up and went to Spin. At 5:30. The class was AWESOME, as always, but going to Spin after evening Body Pump wasn't the most pleasant experience. The instructor also decided that hills would be cool to do all class. Ouch. Legs. Hurt. But, it was a mindless, fun hour.

I love working out!

I found this quote yesterday:

I love the sentiment.

It's so random, but so many times, we try to be who we aren't. If we could just love ourselves, we would all be happier people. I struggle with who I am, daily. For the most part, I am a pretty confident, self assured person. However, there are times when I wish I was skinnier, fitter, stronger, faster, better at my job, less-lazy, naturally healthy, prettier, had a smaller butt, had bigger boobs, drove a better car, made more money and it goes on and on and on...however, THAT is what holds me back.

So I am going to make a vow to appreciate who I am and where I am in life.

My eating has been ok. Yesterday, I actually made it through the day with only eating healthy meals. I did have chocolate chip cookies, 1/4th cup of ice cream and a tiny rice krispie treat. I woke up hungry, which is a sign of eating well yesterday. 

Peace out! 

Sunday, December 11, 2011

It's Sunday already!

Why do the weekends go by so fast?

This weekend was low key and good. I had a few planned events that fell through; it's ok, I spent much needed time alone.

I woke up Saturday morning feeling like I didn't work out. My body must know it's the end of the year. I'm having a lot of, "do I have to?" thoughts. Never good. However, I've adopted this attitude:

I even have it on my phone's lock screen. I always need a little reminder.

I was going to run a race with some of my running friends on Saturday morning, but I forgot to register and pick up my packet (no race day packet pick-up). That's ok, I need new shoes, so I thought it was best to skip it, anyway.

So... I headed to spin! I had a fun filled 45 mins of, "FASTER!!!" felt great. In the next few weeks, I'm going to run twice a week and pick up more spin classes. I've missed it!!

Here is a bad pic of me in spin:

 I must get better at taking blogging pics.

After spin, I had plans to go to the Breakfast Klub for brunch. However, that was canceled. 

So, I spent saturday being uber lazy. Lots of sitting/lying on my ASS.

I had plans to go to a friend's birthday party last night. The outfit that I envisioned was skinny jeans, a cute racerback tank, and boots. Soo...I showered (no I didn't shower immediately after spin :p), and hit up the Loft. I went to the Loft, because their pants seem to run big. I wanted a pair of skinny jeans that weren't too low and fit properly. 

Luckily, I was able to get a pair!! Woohoo! How do they look?

Unfortunately, I got lazy and didn't go to the birthday party. I ended up texting all night and cleaning :p Still fun :)

My eating has not been very good. Let's hope these skinny jeans still fit when I want to wear them. I'm not sure why I have no motivation to eat well? It's so strange. I go through these periods, but I normally get over them. This is going on a 2 week period of eating "whatever I want." Maybe I should start taking pics of whatever I eat and posting it here. Humiliation works...sometimes.

Anyway, it's Sunday, so I like to start the week with good thoughts of inspiration. I found this pic online yesterday:

It spoke to me.

I admire wheelchair racers and people who race, run, live life with obstacles. It can be so easy to be woe is me and bellyache about our situations. However, this pic reminds me that determination is the key.

I will go into this week with the determination to do better and be happy.

I still need to food shop for the week!

I also switched car insurance and saved money--woohoo! 

I also one week closer to going to NYC and seeing my FRIENDS!! I miss those busters :)

Happy week :)

Friday, December 9, 2011

Hey guys!!

It's been a while since I posted. Thursday and Friday are normally my busy days at work. Makes going into the weekend easier, though. I'm nice and drained by Friday evening. 

Let me go back and fill you in on my week:

Wednesday was the last day of my Athletic Training class :( I loved that class. But before I get into why I loved the class, I will say, that I spent 30 mins on the  elliptical

While listening to this song on repeat! My pandora and slacker radio apps were not working on my phone!

However, my crush "Lamar" was on the floor with a client, so I got copious amounts of Lamar stalking...uh, watching

After my 30 mins on the elliptical, I went to class. "Lamar" is one of the trainers who instructs the class. Truth be told, I only stayed faithful to the class because he is there. Every week, I go and I try to talk to him, but I get all chocked up and stumble some stuff out--we've waved at each other, smiled, said hello a few times, and he waved at me in my car. I also notice he knows my car, he always looks at my car when I drive in and does a little head  nod. However, other than those small things, I didn't know if he liked me or not.

Well, last week he wasn't in class. This week when I went outside, I didn't see him, so I assumed he wasn't going to be there again. Well, right before class starts, his beautifulness walks out ~fans self~

Class starts. We get into our stations and coincidentally I started by his section (I promise that I didn't work it that way!) Right before class starts, I notice him playing around with a different girl. It kind of stung and I told myself to just let it go! So I put myself heart into my workout. I really DO love the workout. 

So anyway, soon enough we were in his section. He walks over to me and starts complimenting my form, etc. Well at one point, we are standing next to each other. I causally say, "so you just started here, right? Are things getting busier?"...he says "it's getting there"..and that's that.

Well, I start doing the drill--dragging a heavy ass tire. He walks over and I am bent down dragging a tire. His 6'4 self is standing over me. We have this conversation quietly:

He says: Do you have a husband? 
I say: no (while freaking the fuck out!!)
He says: boyfriend??
I say: nope. Do you have a girlfriend?
He says: no
I say: I am assuming you don't have a husband?? (insert corny joke)
He starts laughing.

At that point, there was an awkward silence...and I ask how old he is. He is 28.

He asks me, and kind of bugs his eye at me being 29 (old lady lol) However, he tells me that isn't a big difference.

He then says, get ready for it, "can we keep in touch after class??"

I said as nonchalantly as possible, "sure"

I am telling you guys, all four of my readers, that I wanted to jump out of my skin.

To give a bit of dating history on me, I have crushes sometimes, but I never, ever get approached. I'm not ugly, i don't think; but I don't get approached. I'm still reeling over the fact that someone I've been crushing so hard over also liked me.


After class, we exchanged numbers. Since he looks like Lamar O, and this is something I have told him...I jokingly told him he was going in my phone as Lamar. Lol.  He has a great sense of humor and started laughing. Good guy!

Now comes the fun part...we wait!

We did text a bit on wednesday night and a bit on Thursday morning, but nothing since then. I'm trying not to freak out.

The four of you readers, I'm asking for your positive thoughts. I've had a lot of unlucky in love history. I'm due for a good, nice guy.

I do think I'm entering this much healthier than past things. With past flings, I've always entered thinking my ex will come back into the picture. Since my ex is officially cut off, I don't have him looming over my head. I've also spent the last 18 months single, and the last 6 months really focusing on ME. So while I will be majorly disappointed if things don't progress or whatever...I will be OK. I am just so excited that this guy who I liked so much, liked me!! It was all so surreal and sweet. I wish I could bottle up the feelings I felt that night.

Ok, gush fest over!

Thursday was a much needed rest day. I actually fell asleep at 6:30pm last night, and didn't wake up until 6:30 am! I slept hard and good. I needed that!

Friday has been busy, busy, busy! We had our agency christmas luncheon, plus an employee breakfast, plus a team meeting. Very exhausting.

To unwind after work, I went for a nice run here

I love that trail.

My eating hasn't been great, but not horrible either. I'm in a place where I'm allowing myself to eat whatever I want. Surprisingly I feel more in control. I'm not eating a lot of junk. I'm just eating a small bit of what I want. I have made it a requirement that I journal my intake. I've journaled everyday this week.

Going back to athletic training class. Aside from Lamar being there, I love the class. It's a boot camp style class, but it also uses team work, etc.  I loved it! I also fell in love with how supportive the personal trainers are. We had people of all shapes, size and abilities in the class. They encouraged us all! There was one girl who reminded me of myself when I was heavier. She came almost every class and did her best. She could never run the full cool-down lap, and was always the last one. The trainers always waited for her before ending the class. It warmed my inner fat girl heart that she was valued just like the thinner girls. The last class was special, we all bonded in that class. I will miss it!

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

What a long day!

It all started at 4:45am when I woke up, early, for spin. I pleaded with myself to go back to sleep, but I never listen to me. I laid in bed until 5:10, then got up to head to spin for 5:30. I started taking spin in April or May. I loved the class, especially the Tuesday class instructor. It was nice to be back in the class, and following someone's instructions, but also able to daydream and zone out. Nice 60 mins! 

When I came home, I did day 1 of my hundred pushup challenge. I did my initial test yesterday. I was able to do 11 push ups, so I started in the third/most advanced column of the challenge.  I could only get through four sets, which equals 34 push ups. First, ouch. Second, fail. I need to make it through 5 sets. I definitely have something to work towards. I may also do the sit up challenge.

This morning while getting ready for work, I had a pants freak out. I tried on one pair and they were super snug. I put on another pair, but the zipper was broken. I immediately decided that I was going to man woman up and get some "adult" pants. This evening after work, I went to the Loft and got 3 pairs of work pants, 1 pair of trouser pants and 1 sweater! All for 111.00! I am so excited--for the clothes and the cheap prices. I almost squealed in the store, but I remained "adult" and acted unfazed by all of the discounts. #Iamturning30in6months. I have to be on my grown woman status, ;)

To end the day, we went to cheer my little sister on at basketball! It was the first game of the season. They did really well and woman. Go Storm...uh, I mean Shock. I think that's their team name. 

To give a report on food, I did ok today...I did have a biscotti, 4 cookies and ice cream, geez... Victory is I was going to have 3 more cookies, but put them back. I decided my new rule will be to ask the obvious, "Nichelle, do you really NEED that?"...surprise, surprise, the answer is usually a NO!

Tomorrow will strive to do better.

Alright, time for bed! Night, night!

Monday, December 5, 2011

All I could stomach was the elliptical...

...and a little Lamar stalking ;)

I have a slight case of the Monday Morning rambles...

I woke up this morning to a dreary, ugly morning. It was thundering most of last night and raining this morning. I decided to ditch my run, because let's face it, I live in Houston. I don't need to run in inclimate I slept in. I have Body Pump and either the elliptical or TM in my future. I am not sure which will be my poison by the time I get to the gym.

After my post yesterday, I was getting ready to head to a party and tried on a new pair of shorts. They did not fit. My immediate thought was, "screw what I said on that blog, I'm going on a diet"...however, like normal, once I found a pair of jeans that did fit ok, I was like, 'OK, maybe I don't look that bad.' I hate that sort of thinking.

At the party, I got a lot of comments about how great I looked and how I am so good at maintaning. I went to my BFF's son's birthday party. These people are people who knew me at 268. So they knew me through the weight loss. It was nice to hear those comments. It also put things in perspective in my head. I need to be doing this for FEEL rather than just weight loss.

Yesterday I did not end the day well, as far as eating is concerned. I have actually been feeling like my tongue is coated in sugar. I guess it's too much sugar? I have decided that for the rest of this month, I am going to focus on choosing wisely. I read so many blogs and it seems others just choose the healthier version. For me, it's a constant struggle all.of.the.time. I hate that about myself. I constantly have an inner battle going on in my head about what I am eating. I wonder if this is just a part of being a former morbidly obese person? I have largely accepted thinking about food is just a way of life for me, but I'd like to get to the point of picking the healthier option 90/10. Right now, I am at a 70/30, maybe even a 60/40 split.

I am also researching detoxes. I don't really like extreme things, but I think my body needs a detox. I've just put too much junk into it. It needs a reset. I do not even know where to begin with doing a detox. I am going to continue to research. I'd also like to encorporate a vegan diet into my life in the new year. My hair dresser and I spoke about it at my last appointment. She shared that benefits can happen with only doing it a few days of the month. In 2012, I'd really like to focus on healthy stuff.

Aside from my weight, I've also been thinking a lot about professional and personal development. I don't really want to get into my professional life on this blog, but I have put in a few calls to my mentors. Hopefully, they can lead me professionally.

As far as relationships are concerned, I am just so pleased at the place I am in. I have had a rocky relationship past. I have always craved a relationship, so I am always looking. However, for the first time...I feel normal and not yearning. It's such a nice feeling.

I guess the relationship thing brings me to another thing I am happy I changed in 2011. I finally cut contact with my toxic ex-boyfriend. Our history is long and toxic, and for once, I don't really want to re-tell it. We broke up for the last time in June 2010. He recontacted me in 2011. Our history is that we break up, he calls, and we get back together. This time I was strong and cut the ties. Everyday I am grateful for doing that. I feel like since he has been cut, I have the weight of 50 men off of my shoulders.

I am sort of scared to jump back into anything, because I feel so free and HAPPY now.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Are you more than just a number?

Every Sunday I like to choose a pic or reference that touches me and reflect on it.nToday I chose this picture:

It was on my phone for several weeks. I really needed the daily reminder a few weeks ago.

It says, "You are more important than this number."

This concept is something I struggle with a lot. First, like I have said before on this blog, I've lost a significant amount of weight. But, I've never gotten to my goal weight. I've been in the 170-180 range for roughly 6 yrs. I was 268, so that's a huge decrease.

For the most part, if I eat well and exercise regularly, I feel fine at my current weight. 

However, I go through periods of wanting to get to goal. My goal is probably 150ish. The last time I was really focused on getting to goal was last year around this time through April. I got to 167, and could not get below that number. I gave up and gained 10 pds in the months since April. 

It's really discouraging to do everything 'right' and not be rewarded. This has happened a few times in the last 6 yrs, I get to 166-167, can't maintain or lose beyond that, and then gain back to 175-178. I maintain there...but I bounce up and down.

Right now, I'm in a semi-dangerous place. I have been here before, and I always come out of it. However, it always scares me. I'm in a place of ambivalence about my weight...

My thoughts are--I don't want to lose weight, this sucks, why can't I eat what I want. Whine, whine, whine.

On the flip side of those thoughts, when I weigh myself, I think that there is no reason why I can not get to goal. 

This morning I woke up, and my first thought was, "I want cereal." Before I got out of bed, I had consciously decided that if I ate cereal this morning, my day for "dieting" would be bad one. I actually started this blog post before eating my cereal, but went down stairs to eat it and then got busy.

In the time since I started the blog post, I've had time to think about that picture and what it means to my life.

I've come to the conclusion that my weight does matter to me.

But the  question really is, does a lower number matter to me? 

That's really something to think about. I'm really not sure. The weight bothers me at random times like, when I'm running or when I want to wear smaller pants.

I think a lot of my issue is what I put in my body. When I'm eating well, i feel good and lighter. 

So...yes, the number matters, but my personal happiness is more than important than the number. 

 I think rather than focusing on what my scale says, I should focus on what goes into my body.

With that said, i think I'm going to spend the next few weeks not trying to lose weight. I need to get back to journalling daily. I've slacked on that. So I will do that and I will focus on eating well and see what happens. I don't think I will lose a lot...but right now I'm spiraling in and out of binge mentality. I need to take the emphasis back off of weight and focus on my food/intake. 

I feel like this is just a really long rambling post...

Today, for my December goal of looking back at the yr, I will say I am happy that I decided to do a lot of self discovery this year. Through focusing on myself and what makes me happy, I've been able to make some very important cuts and changes in my life.

Oh and in case you are wondering, I did eat cereal for breakfast. I just measured it and measured my milk ;) I did have two servings. I have also had pineapple, 3 Oreos, and curry chicken. I'm heading to a party in a few. Let's hope the, "eat everything in sight" vibe doesn't take ahold of me.

In conclusion, this picture sums up my thoughts on weight loss and my journey. It's a running picture--surprise, surprise:

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Happy Saturday!!

Happy Saturday!

I've had a nice, relaxing day. 

After my run and cappuccino last night, I did not sleep when my alarm went off at 6:30, I cried a little. I may or may not have looked like this little girl:

I was a good girl and got up to meet my running buddies for a run. I was secretly hoping we would go short. I was lucky. We just did three miles. It was a nice run. Very relaxing, with good company. We also did some running on a trail, which was a nice change. I also paced a girl to run her first 3 miles without stopping--woohoo! She did great!

Whenever I run, I think I look like this:

But then, I will catch myself in a car reflection and see this:

Don't you hate that? Whenever I see this, I always vow to never eat again or to run harder.

But then the run ends, and I realize that I really looked like the first lady ;)

After leaving the ladies, I thought about adding 2 more miles, but I need new shoes. I have been having crazy leg pain due to needing them, so I decided to just call it a day!

After the run, I came home and showered...and 'rested', which is really code for being lazy! I finally willed myself to leave the house and get some stuff done. I've finally decided to move out of my parent's home, so I went to look at a few apartments. I realized that I want this:

But can only afford this:

Bummer. Insert crying kid tantrum 

Anyway, I got over it and decided that in February/March when I'm finally ready to move, something will come along that is perfect for me and my cat. I can not wait to move!! I am already daydreaming about how life will be once I move.


I have really missed living alone. I'm a loner by nature so alone time is very important for my rejuvenation. I wish I could move in January, but I think February/March will make more sense. 

I said every time I blog, I will reflect on something that occurred this year. Today I am thankful for stepping out of my comfort zone this year. I moved back to Houston, from NYC, a little over 2 yrs ago. The first yr, I spent wallowing in being here and away from my NYC friends. I also was on the hunt for a husband. However, this yr, I've spent a lot of time on self discovery. I have realized that while I still want a mate, I also want/NEED friends. So, I took a HUGE step and joined a meet up group AND a running group. Hello, friends!  Isn't it funny how when you step out of your comfort zone, your immediate thought is, "why did it take me so long?"

I will now go back to enjoying my peppermint oreos (I know, I know!) and my:

Peace out!

Friday, December 2, 2011

100 mile November challenge, December is HERE, sweet friends, hills and 31 days of change in the past year...

Yesterday was so busy. Today was also very busy. I started doing this post this morning, and I am just now getting around to finishing it. 

I did not get around to closing out November, and starting December, so I wanted to back up and do that.

I ended November coming in very close to my goal of reaching my 100 mile challenge. I came in at a very respectable 89.95 miles...if I had known I was .5 short of 90 miles, I would have stayed on the elliptical an extra few mins. Oh well...I am proud of myself. Here is my messy calendar that I kept track of my workouts/miles. Please don't mind that the calendar is an '10 calendar, not a '11 calendar. I didn't notice that until the 23rd, which was my sister's

December will be a short month for me. I am going to NYC on the 24th, and I'm not sure what type of workouts I will get out for this month, I will just work at maintaining my current level of fitness and continuing to wean off of the processed foods. I did very well today, btw!

After this mornings raw post, I opened my Facebook and came across this message:

Totally made my day! Colleen is my trainer friend who lives in SC. Too bad she can't move here and whip me into shape. She is a strong crossfit/tri athlete. Bad ass!

On to today's workout. Since I didn't do my speed work yesterday, after a long day at work, I willed myself back to:

For roughly 4 miles of speed work. My emphasis was really on hills, so I did some sprints/intervals, but I focused on going up and down this incline:

Ahh, felt so good!

On the way home,  it was a little, I stopped and got a small sf/ff French vanilla cappuccino. 

For December, I'd like to remember the things I did this every time I blog, I'll add one thing I did that I felt got me closer to my goal of self acceptance and/or my current state of being.

When I thought of doing this, the first thing that popped into my head is getting my arm lift in July. Like I said,I've lost a lot weight (100 pds). With weight loss, comes sagging skin. I finally bit the bullet and got my arm skin removed. Everyday I look in the mirror and thank God I made that decision for ME!

My clothes fit better, I can wear tank tops, I do not feel like an old woman...I finally feel like ME!!

Also, I lied a bit about just maintaining my current fitness level. I also think I may do a push up challenge --

Night, night! (yes I realize it's 9:30 on a Friday night, but I have a date with my running shoes and some ladies at 7:15am!)