Monday, February 27, 2012

Body image can be a mean thing, right?

Since we last spoke, my eating has not been great.

Let me rewind--after I posted, I headed to Lake Charles for the weekend. Before we even got out of Houston, my mom tells us, "Uncle R is waiting for us to eat dinner...the Isle (a casino) is having crawfish on the buffet"...crawfish+buffet=fat girl heaven, right? Well, seafood isn't many calories. I planned to have a good day and I mostly did. I did eat too much at the buffet, but I only ate crawfish. Nothing else on the buffet. I did have a few potatoes and corn with it. How can you go to a crawfish boil and not have new potatoes and corn?? 

After eating, we went to visit my cousin's new 1 week old baby girl. ~swoon~ She is so snuggly and small. I told my sister we needed a new baby in the family. Her response was, "well have one!"...wrong answer, chick!

Sunday started off with good intentions...but I was out of town. Blah, blah, excuse, excuse. I make a lot of those, huh?

Anyway, back to my thoughts. This morning, I weighed myself and I was up 3 pds from my Saturday morning weight. The 3 pds up is still way higher than my comfortable weight, so I had a silent freak out. I refrained from texting anyone about freaking out. I think people get sick of people who freak out over every pd. So I contained myself and went to work.

I was sitting in a meeting this morning, looked down and thought I saw a mountain of a stomach. It was round and flabby. Not good. 

While sitting there, I started pulling it in and out. I also started to make a mental list of things I needed to do to improve it and what it resembled. 

The list of things to improve it were good things. 
The list of things it resembled were not so good things. 

My stomach is definitely is not in tip top shape, but I forced myself to stop the negative thoughts. Negative thoughts never get me anywhere but in a bag of cookies, chips, or a carton of ice cream.

To stop myself, I made myself look around the room and compare myself to other women. No, no, no I was not looking for the fattest person in the room to say, "at least I don't look like THAT!" I just wanted to compare to women of all shapes and sizes. While doing this, I went a step further, and made myself look at my stomach through the eyes of someone else. I forced myself to look at my stomach through the eyes of someone else, because I can be my own worse enemy. I AM bigger than I want to be, but no, I do not have a mountain of a stomach. I definitely have a stomach that needs some sit-ups.

Why am I even mentioning this silly thing? Well, because I think people who have lost a lot of weight go through the distorted body image thing. It's something that rarely gets spoken about. Thinner people don't get why when a heavy person loses the weight, they just can't be happy. Fatter people think when someone loses weight, they should just be happy and grateful that they have a arrived. A formerly fat person knows, that it takes a LONG time for the mind to catch up with the body.

I have been at my current weight for 6-7 yrs, and while it does get better with time, I still have times when I have to force myself to look at myself through the lens of a friend. 

I use the lens of a friend because friends can be kinder to us than we are to ourselves. I can look at myself and pick up 10 flaws, but a friend can look at me and pick out 10 assets. 

I guess I bring up this issue to say-- 1. It's normal to not see yourself like another person sees you, but 2. It's not ok to be negative and mean to yourself! 

Let's all try to look at ourselves through the lens of a friend. How would a friend see you? 

In other news, the flooring is being laid in my new place. After several weeks of non-response from these contractors, the guys finally came back over to finish what needs to be done.

It seems like every time I go over there, I find something else that needs to be done. I just keep telling myself, "one day at a time!"

I also bought a faucet for the kitchen sink! Woohoo, first purchase ;)

I did a 5 mile progressive run today. I started at an exaggerated slow pace and got faster and faster. The last 2 miles were hard...but it was a good run. As I was leaving the gym, I thought to myself, someone needs to come up with a shirt that says, "thank Heavens for good runs" know, like those shirts that say, "thank Heavens for boys or girls"? 

Eating has been good too! I'm hungry, especially after the run. 

Alright, Hoarders is on and I'm tired. Time to be lazy :)

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