Monday, April 9, 2012


Have you ever been so overwhelmed, you become paralyzed into inaction?

I feel like that at the moment.

I feel like my whole life is up in the air. Yes, that's dramatic, but I seem to do dramatic best. It's funny because to others, I think I look so put together and able to handle a lot. But the truth is, I tend to shut down and not tell others my fears and worries, especially when things are so uncertain.

Today I had my last clinical supervision. I never wanted to do clinical supervision. But, while meeting with my supervisor, I had to fight back tears. She has taught me SO much and really exhibited what I want to be as a social worker. She is also so good at validating my thoughts/fears/ideas. It's a bitter-sweet ending. However, like she said, it's also exciting. With my new level of licensure, I will have more delegating powers and more freedom to do contract work.

However, what also comes with the licensure is the ever present 'what's next' question. What is next? I have no clue! I am working on just living in the moment and not thinking about tomorrow, but that's like next to impossible. I am already planning 'what's next'... a job move? more schooling?

Also, if that wasn't enough...the move! This is never ending move. Ok, people always said BUYING a house was hard. BUT, just getting this house move-in ready is overwhelming. It's like one thing gets done, another pops up. It IS just about done, but I need to get the ceilings and baseboards painted. I had a guy do a lot of the work I couldn't do, but I told him I'd do the baseboard and silly I was to think that would be easy work. I will be calling him back out to complete that. Other than that, it is ready to move in. Umm...hello, scary!! I hope the boogeyman leaves me alone.

Also, if that wasn't enough...I AM TURNING 30 NEXT MONTH. Ok, for the last year I have vacillated between being totally COOL that I am turning 30, to freaking the fuck (excuse my French) out. I think when I was 20, I had grand dreams of being married with 2.5 children, being rich AND having an awesome career.

Let's access those goals:

Children-negative, double negative to 2.5
Being rich-NEGATIVE--OMG, why didn't I realize 'getting rich' at 20 wasn't something that just happened?
Awesome Career? Ok, that's debatable. I am actually cool with where I am career wise.

Entering 30 is intimidating. I think people will start expecting more out of me. In the last 3-6 months, my mom has been trying to set me up with everyone from the garbage man, to the UPS guy, to the contractor who worked on my house!! LOL. Geesh. Poor thing is getting scared.

I think that's all that's changing....

Oh, and my sister is getting married, my best friend is getting married. RE: MORE money being spent.


With all that change comes eating. I am an emotional eater. I have been emotionally eating for far too long. My cycle is do well, fall off, do well, fall off...that cycles just creates the feeling of bloat, disappointment and general disgust in myself!! I just need life to stop a bit, so I can focus on my eating.

I am going back to low sugar. I just have to.

I am also 8 days into a 30 Shred Challenge. That's actually pretty cool.

Alright, I've chatted enough...must go!

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