Monday, July 9, 2012

Confessions of a silent blogger

I can't believe it's been a month since I last posted!

In my defense, I started a post about 2 weeks ago, but didn't hit send. My ADHD went in overdrive and I was doing a million and one other things while trying to post and just forgot about hitting send...

I think the post was about self sabotage...

Yea, that's me...I have been doing amazingly well on WW, and then bam, I self sabotage.

I am coming back from a very bad binge I had last week.

Right before the binge, I had actually had a very good WW week. I hit my 5% and 10 pd lost. I was feeling good. I got through a weekend of temptation eating...and then BAM, Tuesday, I was driving home and the *feeling* just hit me.

People look at me like I am crazy when I say I feel like I am an addict when I am in binge mode. It's like a physical feeling that takes over me. The feeling starts in my arms and then goes to the pit of my stomach. When I eat what I am craving, it's like that need inside of me is physically met.

Anyway, I got that feeling on the way home...I told myself, I would get something small. I had some skittles that were leftover in my car (from like 4 months ago), I ate those and told myself to stop. I kept saying, "eat a few and be done" I was putting handfuls in my mouth.

Then I stopped at the store under the guise of getting a Redbox movie. Funny thing is, I have moved into the new house and I can't find my DVD player. So...really, was I going to get a movie?

I got to the store and told myself, "something small"... I ended up buying a pack of generic oreos and Popchips.

I ate a few cookies in my car and I kept saying to myself "these aren't even good, it's not hitting the spot"....but I kept eating and eating.

When I got home, I bypassed the Popchips and went straight for the unopened back of Tortilla chips left over from my sister's shower.

I felt sick.

I vowed that I'd do better the next. The next day (fourth of July), I even started out well...

Then, I went to my parent's house for a BBQ and started with the junk.

Needless to say, I went to bed feeling gross and disgusted in myself on wednesday night.

I am now dealing with that disgusting feeling of feeling fat and full.

I have regained all but 5 of what I had lost...and it's not coming off.

What the heck is wrong with me?

I have really been evaluating myself lately.

I was reading a weight loss board I go to and someone said that they feel entitled to eat. That's me!

It's like I feel like it's my right to overindulge/binge.

I am really working on this mindset and I am going to try to focus on not feeling entitled to eat. Overeating is not a good feeling. It's gross. So, why should I feel ENTITLED to make myself feel gross?

I did not intend for this post to be about binging...but I guess that's what I've been avoiding for the last days.

It feels good to get that out!

Now, onward and downward :)


Anonymous said...

I know the "driven to eat" feeling, when all I want/need is an absolutely packed-full stomach. This is what I'm trying: "I can eat anything I want, as much as I want, as long as I answer this question first. 'What feeling am I trying to change by eating?'"

laz22girl said...

Thanks for your comment!

I am not even sure if I am feeding a feeling. I think a lot of it is just pure self sabotage. When I start feeling "light," I try to refat myself.

I have been conscious of this and really working at embracing the light feeling.

Sorry it took so long to respond! I have been busy with other stuff!