I am so bad...and boring!

I started a post here a few weeks ago, the computer ate my post...so, I did what all normal people would do. I closed the browser and focused on something else :P

Since I last posted, a lot has gone on.

The long and short of it?

I've been in two weddings--Congrats to the Ceron's and the Waters'!

I've gained some poundage back--boo to those pounds!

I've done A LOT of decorating--love that! It's so fun!

I've proscratinated on studying for my licensure test--boo!

Finally, I've started running again :)

I think the last time I posted here, I was still running. However, I stopped. Like, stopped all together. I went to spin, walked a bit...but, no running.

I've returned to this sport and I love it. I am now running with my dog, a black lab. Oh yea, not sure I ever posted that here. I got a black lab in May. He is so sweet and a great running buddy.

We I am training for a half in December. I was sort of dreading it, but now I am excited about it.

I am also doing a lot of re-thinking my food intake. While I was absent, I got pulled back into a dark eating place. I am proud to say that I am clawing my way out. It's been 2-3 weeks and no binging :)

So...with that, I will return to blogging.

Confessions of a silent blogger

I can't believe it's been a month since I last posted!

In my defense, I started a post about 2 weeks ago, but didn't hit send. My ADHD went in overdrive and I was doing a million and one other things while trying to post and just forgot about hitting send...

I think the post was about self sabotage...

Yea, that's me...I have been doing amazingly well on WW, and then bam, I self sabotage.

I am coming back from a very bad binge I had last week.

Right before the binge, I had actually had a very good WW week. I hit my 5% and 10 pd lost. I was feeling good. I got through a weekend of temptation eating...and then BAM, Tuesday, I was driving home and the *feeling* just hit me.

People look at me like I am crazy when I say I feel like I am an addict when I am in binge mode. It's like a physical feeling that takes over me. The feeling starts in my arms and then goes to the pit of my stomach. When I eat what I am craving, it's like that need inside of me is physically met.

Anyway, I got that feeling on the way home...I told myself, I would get something small. I had some skittles that were leftover in my car (from like 4 months ago), I ate those and told myself to stop. I kept saying, "eat a few and be done"...as I was putting handfuls in my mouth.

Then I stopped at the store under the guise of getting a Redbox movie. Funny thing is, I have moved into the new house and I can't find my DVD player. So...really, was I going to get a movie?

I got to the store and told myself, "something small"... I ended up buying a pack of generic oreos and Popchips.

I ate a few cookies in my car and I kept saying to myself "these aren't even good, it's not hitting the spot"....but I kept eating and eating.

When I got home, I bypassed the Popchips and went straight for the unopened back of Tortilla chips left over from my sister's shower.

I felt sick.

I vowed that I'd do better the next. The next day (fourth of July), I even started out well...

Then, I went to my parent's house for a BBQ and started with the junk.

Needless to say, I went to bed feeling gross and disgusted in myself on wednesday night.

I am now dealing with that disgusting feeling of feeling fat and full.

I have regained all but 5 of what I had lost...and it's not coming off.

What the heck is wrong with me?

I have really been evaluating myself lately.

I was reading a weight loss board I go to and someone said that they feel entitled to eat. That's me!

It's like I feel like it's my right to overindulge/binge.

I am really working on this mindset and I am going to try to focus on not feeling entitled to eat. Overeating is not a good feeling. It's gross. So, why should I feel ENTITLED to make myself feel gross?

I did not intend for this post to be about binging...but I guess that's what I've been avoiding for the last days.

It feels good to get that out!

Now, onward and downward :)

Happy National Run Day!

Sorry I've been MIA the last few days...ok, few weeks. I've been busy at work, and I don't like blogging from my iPad at home. I need to get a computer at home. When I do, watch out!

In the meantime, it's National Running Day!!

I started the day off with a nice, fast (for me) 3 mile run. It was awesome. I got a little gastric distress towards the end, so I ended the run right AT 3 miles. I got a new pair of shoes, which helped the awesome-ness of this run.


Oh, happy day...I needed a good run.

I decided to write 5 reasons why I like to run in honor of National Running Day. On the way to work, I told myself I'd right 25 reasons...but as I was thinking about the reasons, I only came up with 5. So...

1. I run for fitness. Running for fitness goes without saying, but I thought I would mention it. I run because it keeps me fit and healthy.

2. I run for my sanity. I have a very high stress job...well, when I started running, I HAD a high stress job. I left that job, and while my job is low stress, it takes a lot out of me emotionally. I run as my me time. I am therapist by day, so I give a lot of myself to others. I take on a lot of other's problems. I need an outlet for my own problems--running fits that bill. When I run, I can daydream, I can service plan, I can plan weddings, I can plan to take over the world, I can plan a family, I can plan so much and it is always done perfectly and on point in my 'rundreams.' I feel refreshed and sane when I finish a run.

3. I run to lift my booty and reduce the size of my legs. I have a large lower body. My butt and legs are ONLY reduced by running. I've tried to stop running and do other stuff, but my butt and legs come back with a vengeance. So...I run to keep them in check.

4. I run to attain new physical goals.

5. I run to brag. 'nuff said about that.

Notice I didn't say "I run to eat"...many people say this, and it makes me roll my eyes. I gain weight when I run and eat what I want. I think running to eat is a bit of a myth ;)

Happy Running Day!!!

Get your run on!

Dear God, it's me, the slogger

I don't really have a topic to write on this week, but I thought I'd do a confessions style blog.

Here are all my ran-dumb thoughts for the week, day, hour, minute:

1. I lost 1.6 at WI on wednesday. I am in WL challenge, and WI'd in for that this morning. I lost another .2 since wednesday, bringing my total weight loss for the week to 2 pds. Whoop!

2. My house has to be completely re-wired (electricity)...the first phase of that is happening tomorrow. I've never been so excited to see a new breaker box sitting in my living room. We are hoping that the new breaker box will kick the AC on, at least for one summer!

3. Weddings are expensive. No, I am not even getting married...just have two very close people in my life who have chosen to get married within 3 months of each other. I AM super excited about getting dressed up and standing up with my girls. I am also excited about throwing my sister a bridal shower, buying something she has wanted for a long time as her shower gift, and giving my sister's wedding speech. It's going to be so cool to see my older sister get married. I mean, we are still kids, right? I can't even imagine us being old enough to get married. I am equally excited about my bestfriend's wedding. It is a different feeling for her wedding vs. my sister's, though.

4. I have had a good running week this week:
Monday-3.1 Recovery run
Tuesday-Spin
Wednesday-rest
Thursday-3 miles of speed work-.5 w/u, .2, .4, .6, .2, .2, .2, cool down jog. I ran the intervals at a pace between 9:40 and 9:22. My fat legs were booking it!
Friday-strength training (will do tonight)
Saturday-6 mile run (planned)

5. Men are so funny and weird. I am in a weird place with regards to relationships. I am FINALLY settled and not 'searching.' It's a freeing, good feeling. I love not feeling that yearning every moment of every day. I have had some interesting conversations with men lately and it's so nice to hear their perspective. It also solidifies what I want and need. Must.Not.Settle.

6. I love my new puppy. He is just a big ball of love and so sweet. This morning he tried to climb his very big self into my lap while I was eating breakfast. I love when he has his innocent puppy eyes on. So cute!

7. I also love my kitty. She is such a constant in my life. Never leaves my side and always seems to know when I need lovin'. She hates her brother, though. Her brother is afraid of her, too. He cracks us all up when he is running from her. It's sheer terror, which is funny because she is about 10 pds and he is about 50.

8. I really want to be a WW leader. When I sat in my first meeting since returning, the feeling of being a leader just hit me. I have gotten comments about me being a leader before, but it was never what I wanted to do. However, now the feeling is SO real. I am hoping that carries me to goal. I would love to run a 100+ meeting. I love seeing people lose very large amounts of weight without any interventions. It's grueling, it takes a long time, it's rewarding. I want to someday help others get to their goals!

9. I am having so many daydreams about sitting on my patio, sipping wine. I can't wait to move in!

10. I want a garden. Like a huge flower and vegatable garden. Must make that happen.

10+1. I bought a lot of paint this weekend. I am trying my hand at painting some wooden furniture my mom was going to throw out. That can be a disaster. ;)

I am looking forward to a good, sunny, productive weekend!

Weekend Eats Report

Some bloggers do race reports.

I do Eat Reports.

Let's start with Friday.

I started the day with a 30 min full body workout. I hurt all over. But felt so good. I went into the day knowing I would be challenged with my eating. I had three different eating out engagements.

My friend wanted to meet for lunch, my coworkers planned happy hour, and my soon-to-be brother-in-law wanted to go out to eat with a few friends for his birthday. Lots of planning and worrying.

Due to time constraints, lunch with my friend was cancelled. I ended up picking up a soup from Whole Foods on the way into my office. Happy Hour was also good. I was starving so I went ahead and ate dinner plus had ONE drink. It helped that my coworkers also only had one round...so it didn't look awkward to just have one round of drinks. Dinner was good, also. I didn't eat with the crew, but I had a small piece of cake. I went to bed feeling GOOD. I stuck to my plan!

Saturday started out with a 5 mile run. I also had plans to go look at a 9 month old Lab puppy. I had to drive about an hr and a half out of town to pick him up. So I ate a snack on the way out. My sister wanted to stop somewhere on the way home. I ended up stopping at Wendy's and got a small frosty and a small chili. My parents had been out of town for a week, so they wanted to go out to dinner when they got home. We went to TX Roadhouse. I really wanted ribs. So I got the Ranger Meal Rib Basket. 4 baby back ribs and fries (yes, fries). I did NOT eat a roll! I did have another piece of birthday cake and a bite of Reese's PB egg. I went to bed feeling good again.

Sounds good, right?

Well, then Sunday had to come and ruin the brag.

It starts really well. I had a good breakfast, took my new puppy for a walk (yes, I got him!)...then I had to go to my house to let the electrician in to do the electrical work I need done so I can FINALLY move. Umm...guy wasn't there. Stayed there until 10. Finally I got a voicemail saying his mom had a stroke and he wouldn't be coming. Can I have ANY worse luck with regards to this house??

I was in a bad mood all day, pretty much.

I tried to control myself. We went to Costco and I rationed my samples. I also got one scoop of Pistachio Gelato. That stuff is CALORIC! When I went to journal, I ended up with no points, plus going into my weeklies and I didn't even eat dinner.

I basically said, eff it, and ate 2 heaping spoonfuls of Biscoff Spead, 2 mini butterfingers and 1 devil's food cake.

I felt SICK and pissed at myself last night. What type of rationale is it to FURTHER over eat when I was out of points?

I am taking to public humilation. I wrote a note to myself and outlined WHAT I ate and made it my lockscreen on my phone.

This morning is a new week. I am scared that I won't have a loss...but I am going to give it a good try until Wednesday.

In other news:

I got a puppy. His name is Sam, Sammy, Samuel or...Cash. LOL. He came to me with the name Cash. I don't really like it. I think he looks like a Sam, but sometimes Cash does come out when I call him. He is such a good dog. He knows I am his master, so he basically trots after me all day. He is also full on lab puppy. He has one speed-fast! The older dog and cat hate him. Poor thing :( I love him, though. I went from being ambivalent about getting a puppy to thrilled. He is just what I need--energetic to run with, but calm at home.

I am in my second week of operation 2:45 half marathon. I've some really good runs, but I have been sore. I need new shoes. I must get those this week, find my garmin charger--it got lost in the move, and get a camelback.

I think that's all the 'other news' I have.

Ta-ta for now!

First week back results!

I am happy to report that my first week back to Weight Watchers yielded a 6.4 loss! Yay!

I was elated when I saw the nice drop. I am elated that I have been following the program and not trying to cheat.

Yesterday we spoke about how to outsmart the grocery store. Since I have been on this journey, I typically don't buy cookies and chips (as a rule). I normally shop the periphery of the store.

However, yesterday as I was sitting in the meeting, I started to think that the junk doesn't enter my life on normal grocery shopping trips. The junk (and the extra money I spend) comes when I am craving something mid-week. I have decided to only shop once a week! I think once a week will help me not make impulse stops to the store for a bottle of wine, a box of cookies, a bag of chips, a package of twizzlers (that I ate in one sitting the week before last).

I am really going to focus on being honest with myself.

Last night at the meeting a lady made lifetime. As I saw there watching her get all of her lifetime stuff, I didn't think "she *just* lost X" pds or "she has ONLY been on the plan for a few months"...I sat there, teared up a bit (dork-alert) and was genuinely happy for her. I have finally realized that weight is hard to lose, no matter what you are losing.

I also started to envision myself up there getting my lifetime stuff. I have never really put importance on lifetime status. I think I am going to aim for goal+lifetime.

I think this time I can do it. I just have to believe in myself!

Impulsivity is dangerous

One of my many endearing character traits is impulsivity.

My mom's favorite equation to teach me when I was a kid was:

A+B=C.

A=action
B=result
C=consequence

B has never really entered my life..

My favorite equation was

A ----------- C

~I stuck a key in an electrical socket when I was 4. The whole wall turned black. Thankfully, Chrysler made their key chains with leather. Apparently leather does something or doesn't do something with electricity?
~I greased the dog with vaseline when I was 6. Like totally greased him up. My mom was less than impressed.
~I wrote on my mom's new washer and dryer when I was 8--actually, I wrote on everything from the time I could write until I went to college...probably.
~I played chicken in the street (with a friend) until I was about 10. And got caught by a neighbor.
~I always spoke before I thought.
~I decided to move to NYC on a whim.
~I decided to get a tattoo on a whim. Woke up saturday morning and decided it would be a good day for a tattoo--did that three times.
~I got a tongue ring while just on a shopping trip to the mall.

I am not listing the dumb things I have done in vain...

I am trying to make the point that I am impulsive.

I get an idea in my head and I execute it without thought...

Why am I writing about this?

Well, I was reading a blog last week. The blogger is a Iron(wo)man, a 3:09 marathoner, an *athlete*. She was chosen to be an ambassador for Underarmor's 'I am beautiful' campaign. She set a goal and will meet it in 9 week.

You know where this going right?

I decided to set a goal and attain it in 9 weeks.

I set the goal to run a 2:45 half marathon on July 14, 2012.

The goal isn't the crazy part.

The crazy part is that I am willingly running a half marathon--13.1, in TX, in JULY.

How freaking crazy is that???

I am in the midst of working up a good training plan to help me get to that goal. I will also have to focus on hydration and salt replenishing in the high heat. The race start is 6:30 and the course will close at 9:30, so I am hoping the early start will help with the heat.

Besides the heat part, I am crazy excited that I actually have a goal pace. I have run 2 half marathon's with no real thought of pace.

I am looking forward to training and executing a fun/speedy (for me) race.

Motivation: The 'it takes too long' edition

I want to stay with the theme of motivation.

I have been thinking a lot about motivation since last wednesday.

While sitting in the meeting room, I was listening to the (very good) motivators that were being thrown out, but I couldn't help but think to myself, 'but what about those people who have been at this for YEARS'...how do THEY keep the motivation to persist?

That is the crux of my issue. It's something that stays on my mind, especially lately.

I have been at this since September 1999.

Roughly 12 years. In those 12 years, I have lost a lot-- but also went to college, went through a million relationships, went through several moves, and just lived life.

I have always been 80/20 with my weight loss goals. I think this is what has kept me from not gaining all of the weight back.

However, I always see people who have a lot to lose say, 'it takes so long' and get discouraged and stop.

Yes, it takes a long time; yes, it's tedious; no, it's not FAIR--but, when it's done, it's done!

I want to tackle another 40-50 pds. I wrote out my current motivators in my last post, but in this post, I want to highlight some reasons WHY I continue this and have for 12 years.

~I enjoy feeling comfortable in my own skin.
~I like not having to buy plus sized clothing.
~I like being the girl who workouts regularly.
~I like feeling in control--most of the time.
~I like when people say I inspire them.
~I like when I walk into a room, I don't feel insecure.
~I like being an example to my younger sister.
~I like not having to worry about if my stomach will touch the steering wheel of my car. (I remember being deathly afraid of this when I first started driving).
~I like not ever having to worry about breaking a chair again. (I did this once)
~I like not ever having to worry about getting on a crowded elevator. (I hated when I got on and it would drop a little--mortified!)
~I like not worrying about being 'too fat' for a date. I feel like I am normal enough, that men don't notice the 'extra' pds ;) (this one could just be in my head)

I know there are a million more changes in my life that losing weight has done. I know there are a million MORE changes that can happen if I lose more weight.

I try to look back at my journey, but also look ahead at my unwalked journey.

I have adopted the motto of "it never ends"...I think end dates, are just that. It ends, you move on to the next goal. However, with fitness, does it really ever end? Probably not. And I think that's normal!

So with that said, how is WW going?

Well, it's been a whole 4 days and I am doing very well, if I do say so myself! I got through a whole weekend of journalling and being on plan. I have 8 weeklies left, 24 activity points earned. I am still learning the tricks to the trade, but overall, I feel good and optimistic that this time could be it.

What Motivates You?

As promised, I rejoined Weight Watchers on wednesday.

I did well eating wise all day on wednesday; when I got home, I decided to have one last free for all... I was lying down on my pallete in my room (yes, all my stuff is at the new house, but for reasons beyond my control, I haven't physically moved in..yet), and contemplated not going to the meeting. You know how the song goes, 'I will do better tomorrow', 'I don't need weight watchers telling me what to eat', 'I don't have an extra 40.00 42.95 a month' ...my stomach turned from the overwhelming amount of food I consumed, and before I could even stop myself, I got in my car and headed to the meeting.

The topic was so fitting--"What Motivates You!"

The leader was standing at the front telling her story of how she came to weight watchers. Everyone was going around the room stating reasons they are motivated. I sat in my seat racking my brain for motivation reasons.

Don't get me wrong, when I started this journey, I had plenty of reasons--we will just call them "Dalvin", then "Will"...oh and vanity.

But 12 years in, nearly 100 pds down (had a regain)...

What motivates me?

I decided to really think of a list of motivators. I think part of my issue with not getting the rest of the weight off is that I am complacent. I get to a weight of about 168-175 and feel good. Ironically, I get a lot of dates around 175. 168 I feel good, fit into a 10...and then I decide to reason with myself about losing the rest.

So here is the list:
My sister's wedding on 8/25. I do not want to go to her wedding not feeling 'fly'. I am the maid of honor, I will be speaking at the reception. I want to stand up, in my kickass dress, nice shoes, impeccable curly hair and feel like I am 'the bomb'. I don't want to feel frumpy, fat, or like I have to hide behind my little sister (who will be standing up with me during the speech).

My bestfriend's wedding on 10/19. Again, I just want to feel FLY! I don't want to be the one in the bridal party calling myself fat, or hiding behind someone. I want to look how I feel -- most of the time.

A little ole marathon on 11/11/2012. I will be running my first marathon on 11/11. I want to toe that starting line as prepared as possible. I want to FEEL like my body can carry me 26.2 miles. I won't feel that way if I am carrying this extra weight.

I want to fit into ALL of my size 10s, and move on to size 8s.

I want a tummy tuck. I also don't want to refat my arms that I paid so much money for.

So those are just a few motivators. Of course, most are superficial and vain, but I have to be honest...I have no health issues, so vanity is my number 1 priority.

With that said, I have ONE full day on plan. 1 day down, 4490802432983283029 to go. :)

I am very proud of myself because yesterday, I had to work a full day, then go get my tires changed, then go to a performance at my sister's school. I didn't get home until almost 9pm. I was STARVING. Thankfully, I had a cliff bar in my car that I was able to eat between the tire shop and the performance, but those go right through me. When I get home, I did NOT binge, I just ate a smaller dinner (lots of fresh vegs) and had watermelon plus a 100 cal fudge bar.

CONTROL! Love it :)

Hi, ho back to Weight Watchers I go!

I have been trying to do this on my own for about 2 years now. I do well, get off plan, gain, get back on a plan, lose, get off, gain, etc. Before I moved back to Houston, I would always go back to weight watchers when I had a gain. Since moving back, I haven't found a meeting I like, so I haven't rejoined. Well, after some thought, I am rejoining.

Yesterday I wore a pair of capris that I have had for several years. They were tight! Tight to the point of my not being comfortable in them.

Today I am wearing a pair of jeans that have always been loose on me. They are tight.

Something has to change.

Soo...I am going back to weight watchers. My ole faithful. I started losing weight and lost most of my 100 pds with weight watchers, so it's like going home, actually.

I am actually looking forward to weighing, the anticipation of a loss, the disappointment of a maintain or gain, the accountability, paying those people my 40/mo, etc.

I am a dork, I know. However, losing weight is all I know...so I am sort of looking forward to being accountable again.

Another side of me is angry that I can exercise 5-6 times a week, eat reasonably well (too much sugar, sure) and gain. I mean, I don't eat fast food, I don't drink sugared drinks, I rarely eat candy or chips, etc...but I still gain. That makes me a tad bit angry, but it's life. Accepting that I will always have to watch my weight and what enters my body is the hardest part of this journey.

May Goals that I am actually sticking to!

I am so good at settings goals for myself...

My issue is sticking to them. I think I set the bar too high and then I get discouraged.

Last month, I completed a 30 Day Shred Challenge. I am SO proud of myself for completing the challenge. I did miss 2 days (that I will make up). While doing this challenge, I made Shredding my priority. So while I Shredded daily, I did not keep up with 3 runs a week or weekly spin.

I also didn't stick to any diet plan--unless, you want to count the 'eat whatever you want' or 'eat sugar until you want to puke' a diet..

This month, I have goals. I am turning 30 on friday. I hear people in their 30's actually have goals and want to do stuff with their lives...

So for the month of May, I will...

1. Do Ripped in 30 5 days a week. Thank Goodness our drill sergeant leader decided to allow 2 days of rest.

2. Crosstrain 3x a week. I WILL! I will either spin 2 days a week and run or run 2 days a week and spin. I am not putting a real perimeter on this. I just need the cardio+strength mix. I THINK I am bailing on the idea of a half in July. I think that may be a little crazy to do in TX heat. I will be running a 10 mile in October and the Marathon in November.

3. No sugar for 30 days. I am giving myself 6 passes. My birthday IS friday and while I am not doing anything special, I will have cake. I am also having a party for a group of boys I have been working with all year. The boys want cake! I will also have wine tonight...

I think that's enough for my commitment-phobe self.

Ran-dumb running/exercise thoughts (and why I want to lose weight #9)

Am I the only one that has wild thoughts, writes speeches, has arguments with people, creates to do list?

Like have you ever been spinning your heart out, and BAM your ex's ugly face comes into your head and says something that pisses you off?

Or, you are having a great run, you feel strong, you feel sexy and strong; then BAM, a comment a bitch made to you MONTHS ago resurfaces and you get all angry. And isn't it funny that when something like thsi happens, you have the perfect comeback?

Or, you are having a good run, and you start thinking about the kid who stepped on your foot when you were 10. You KNOW it was on purpose, so you go through a whole list of things you'd tell the kid.

Or, you are having a great spinning day and you start thinking about your sister getting married, so you start writing her speech? I may or may not have written my bestfriend AND my sister's wedding speeches, my commencement speech, my acceptance speech for Social Worker of the year. During all of this 'writing', I also teared up at the honor of being 'asked' to do these things. Yes, I am crazy.

Or, have you ever had a daydream so good, you didn't want to stop the exercise?

I love daydreaming and thinking. I am often found staring into space with deep thoughts. I often have trouble sleeping because of my thoughts. However, now with exercise, I find myself being able to channel the thoughts into the exercise.

It's funny ran-dumb thoughts while running also seem like dreams. Once I finish the run/exercise, they dissipate and I have to try to remember what I thought about.

I am obviously on a very good exercise high right now, can you tell? 

Reason #9
I want to lose weight because I want to fit into ALL of my size 10's and I want to get to size 8. When I first started losing weight, my goal was a size 12. I got to size 12, my goal became a 10. Now I would like to aim for an 8. I think I was able to fit into an 8 for about 3 mins. Now I am between a 10 (on a good day) - 12 (the rest of the time). Kidding, I fit into more of my 10's than 12's, but they are a bit tighter than I prefer. 

Today is also a very big day! This evening, the movers come! Yay! I just have a few more hours in between me, my stuff and an empty house that will soon be filled with my parent's old furniture. ;)

I also have two bottles of wine being chilled in the refrigerator. A glass of wine, my TV  and alone time await me!

Woohoo!

Reasons 4, 5, 6, 7, AND 8 why I want to lose weight, the move that never ends update and the race report that I didn't run

Holy shit that's a long title.

First, Reasons 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8 why I need to lose weight. I bet people thought I forgot. Nope, didn't forget. I've just been crazy busy NOT moving. ;)

Reason 4: To stay healthy. My sister who is overweight has high blood pressure. She had a scare last week with crazy HBP. That scares me and made me realize that I need to stay the course!

Reason 5: I love to move. I want to KEEP moving. I need to stay at a weight where I CAN move and be comfortable. In spin on friday, I felt so good, strong and powerful. At one point, I looked in the mirror while spinning hard and smiled at myself and thought "this is AMAZING, I love that I can move my body"

Reason 6: I love when people say "you are the smallest one in the group, so you can do A, B, C." Yes, I come from a family of 'big boned' people, so being 'the smallest one in the group', IS relative...but hey!

Reason 7: I want to continue to lose, because I love going to a party and not worrying about being the heaviest one there or caring what I eat in front of people. I went to a housewarming on saturday. I ate a piece of cake while there, and didn't have one thought about people thinking that I was too fat for cake. I also didn't even do a room scan to see who else was heavy. All fat people do this so let's not deny it ;)

Reason 8: I found some before pictures. I wanted to post them in this post, but they are on my phone...I'm on my computer...and my phone is losing batteries at only 11AM, so I need to conserve. Suffice to say, I was heavy in those pictures. They reminded me of how far I have come, and WHY I still do this after 12 years. I loved seeing those pictures.

I will try to do daily reasons. However, life sometimes gets in the way of blogging...

Second, the move that never happened...

Well, I was scheduled to move on Saturday. I reserved a Uhaul on friday, and was set to move saturday afternoon. My sister and her fiance were supposed to help. Saturday morning, they woke up and decided to go to the beach...so no help. Thanks, fam! My mom didn't want my dad and I to move alone, so she hired movers to move me this evening. Little did I know that I had a conflicting appointment...soo....it's happening tomorrow. TOMORROW!!!

Third, the 10k I never ran.

I was all hyped to go out and run this 10K. However, as the day wore on on friday...I was getting more and more worried about running 10K in the morning, moving in the afternoon, getting all my last minute stuff AND going to a housewarming in the evening. So the run was cut. I was relieved to sleep in on saturday and had a good day with my mom and little sister shopping...but,

I am slightly disappointed I didn't run. But it's ok! That's life...

My eating was not good saturday. I started the day with 2 hotdogs and chips...weird. I ended the day with cookie dough and a whole lotta junk in between.

Yesterday I woke up and was just done. I didn't eat too badly yesterday.

Today is a new day. I finish the 30 day Shred challenge this evening. Tomorrow I start Ripped in 30, and I will have to do 2 make up days for the Shred. We are also doing an elimination challenge. Basically, eliminating a trigger food. Of course, mine is refined sugar. I am just aiming for a month.

AND, Friday I turn 30!

Why I want to lose weight Day 3

I want to lose weight to run a strong, safe, and healthy MARATHON in November.

Today IS the day that New York Road Runner does the lottery picks for the Marathon. I am SO excited and on pins and needles.

Yesterday, I actually took pics of my breakfast and lunch. However, I am on a computer and my pictures are on the phone! So disorganized.

My menu from yesterday was:

Breakfast:
Omelet - 2 egg whites, 1 egg; ham slices and cheese
Coffee

Lunch:
Salad with red pepper and avocado (a fav right now)
Stuffed chicken breast
Ranch

Snacks: (this is where the day gets hairy)
Pineapple
2 dove dark chocolate squares
Luna Bar (got hungry on the way home...)
Chocolate covered almonds (umm...)
2 glasses of wine (what a weird craving......)
1 serving of trail mix

Umm..eek!

Dinner:
One enchilada
Salad

My issue yesterday was that I started snacking when I walked through the door. I saw the almonds and grabbed 2-3, then went back for 2-3 more, and so it goes...

This morning, I woke up and did the 30 day Shred. It felt good to work my body out! I can't believe I've gotten through most of the month of that challenge. It makes me feel so good!

Now off to continue to do busy work until I know about the marathon.

Since I can't beat it, I might as well join it...

It is 'the diet'...

In an effort to curb my cravings, I decided to write a nice list of things that would happen in a perfect world.

Wouldn't it be nice if:

1. Chocolate had no calories? Wouldn't it also be nice if dark chocolate had no calories. I mean it's 'good for you', why can't I eat it in mass quantities? I'd settle for vats full of dark chocolate. I don't need milk chocolate to be happy.

2. If you lost weight, and got a banging body. My body resembles the body of a 65 year old woman. No matter how much running, weight training or praying I do, it sags. Shouldn't the reward for starving yourself be a banging body? Another unfair thing is that since I am up 7 pds, my breast are looking nice...but when I lose the 7 pds, they will deflate along with my extra tummy I've acquired. What's the fairness in that?

3. Why does hunger have to come so often? I mean, I am hungry every few hours. Why can't hunger just go away when you decide it's time to lose?

4. Why can't chips be one of the food groups? And cake, also. Why can't cake be one of the food groups? I'd settle for just frosting being added. Cake is just the vehicle.

5. Why do carbs have to be the enemy? I know, I know it's not a REAL enemy, but let's be real...nothing 'healthy' starts with white flour.

6. Why can't dried fruit be counted as fruit?

7. Why can't I just naturally pick healthy food? One of my friends posted that age old picture of food from fast food restuarants that never 'go bad'...I mean, I hardly eat fast food. But, if I had a choice, I'd choose fast food over a salad for lunch. The picture is intended to make you think fast food is ick, but all it did was make me want a hamburger and fries. Not that I will eat one anytime soon, or have eaten one anytime soon...but pictures liked that don't deter me. The only thing that REALLY deters me is the expense of fast food.

Aside from fast food, if given the choice, I always want the unhealthy option. I only choose the healthier option most of the time because 1. I get embarassed when others see me eat 'bad' and 2. I do have a tiny bit of fear of regaining my weight! Ok, a HUGE fear...

8. Why can't exercise sub healthy eating? I love to exercise. I exercise to meditate, to day dream, to think, to relax, to be alone...not just for weight loss. But wouldn't it be nice if you committed to exercising 2 hrs a day, you could be magically be at your goal weight?

9. Wouldn't it be nice if weight loss was truly like science and predictable. What if you commit to losing 50 pds in 365 days. Roughly a pd a week. Wouldn't it be nice if you made this committment that it would happen? It's not fair that you can do everything right..ok, MOST things right, and it still might not happen?

10. Wouldn't it be nice if weekends didn't count against you? I mean I follow a mean diet during the week, but I'll be damned if Friday doesn't come every freaking week to derail me.

In a perfect world, I tell you...

Why I want to lose weight day 2 and my journal

I want to be in control.

My journal. Umm, I forgot to take pictures of everything! Who does that? It was the first day...

But, this is what I ate:

2 egg whites, 1 egg
Slice of cheese
Turkey
Coffee with natural bliss creamer

Salad with avocado and red pepper
Chicken breast
Pineapple
2 bliss dark chocolate squares

Ribs
Salad with avocado
2 servings of trail mix

30 day shred level 3, day 3 or 4.

I did not eat the jalapeño flavored fritos that were calling my name when I walked through the door. I did not stop and get nuts when I was "hungry" on the way home.

I did go to bed insanely early last night. The night before, I didn't sleep well.

Why I want to lose weight day 1

I need accountability and to remind myself why I'm on this journey. So don't be surprised if you see me posting this type of message on a daily basis for the next 30 days.

I want to lose weight to get stronger.

It's Sunday and I need some structure...

For the last few months, I have just been coasting along. I have so much going on, I feel like my life is going at warp speed.

When life gets busy, the first thing to go by the wayside is diet. Exercise is fine...it's always the diet. It all starts with good intentions. I allow one treat, that leads to two, that leads to three...which then leads, to months long treats and me recommitting to myself when I feel gross.

Well, today is the end of that (for now--not ever. Life does get in the way, and that's ok, IMO. I think the key is knowing when to reign it in). I haven't been journalling at my fitness pal. I was going to get a notebook to write in, but I think I need some public embarrassment. I'm going to start taking pics and uploading them on the blog. I'm going to commit to doing this for a month. So from tomorrow (lol) until May 23rd, you will be seeing my repetitive meals, my slip ups and the good food.

I am in the midst of a 30 day Shred challenge. That ends on May 1st. The group and I will then start Ripped in 30 for the month. In addition to that, I will be training for a half that's on July 9th. That will either kill me or make me stronger for the marathon in November. My goal for that race is 2:45. I can do it, I just need to do it. I have a 10k on Saturday. I will do it in 1:15 or less. I'm aiming for 1:12, but I haven't run much at all this month, so I need to take that into consideration when setting my goal.Now that I've gotten that out, I feel better!

Do people ever stop trying to achieve just one.more.thing?

I have never really thought of myself as a go-getter. I actually think of myself as lazy and a little too undriven.

However, when I sit down to reflect, maybe I am just lazy-driven... Driven into laziness? LOL. No, may be my drive just gets lazy at times. But when is being driven too much, when is laziness OK? I have a hard time figuring out the balance in being driven and lazy. I need to find a balance in knowing my limits and just relaxing and enjoying life.

When I think back on my life, I've always been working on something. Let's do a little timeline:

First goal was weight loss. I started in my senior year of high school, and chased that goal until I was down 100 pds--5 years later. See where the driven meets lazy?

Second goal was running. I chased that goal until I could run without dying. But again, my mile times aren't stellar. I still am between a 12-13mm. Again, lazy meets driven.

Third goal is maintenance.  I have maintained for 7 years now, but at a higher than normal goal weight. It's not easy to maintain, so I do feel I am successful. But again, I am not at a 'goal' weight others aspire to be at. So, again, driven/determination meets lazy/complacent.

Aside from my physical goals, I've also had a lot of career/school goals.

When I graduated high school, I really had no plans for the future. I vaguely wanted to be an attorney, but I didn't really know what kind. Actually I did know what kind, I wanted to be an advocate/attorney for the parents of special needs children. I could get in to why this goal was so specialized, but it's too long of a story.

Back to when I graduated high school--no goals, I was just told you have to go somewhere in the Fall. I went from High School to a Junior College. Something happened, the driven side of me must have taken over, and I excelled and did really well. I got accepted to a respectable out of state Private U and did well.

I got all the way to the end of my undergraduate career and still didn't know what I wanted to do. During that time, my goals changed and I wanted to do Social Work. I thank Dr. Petrie for introducing me to this underpaid, overworked, but very rewarding field. I knew I wanted to go to social work school post UG, but I didn't know what I wanted to do with the degree or what type of job I wanted...

My first job out of colllege literally fell into my lap. I was hired on from my internship. See, I am not TOO unmotivated!

From my first job, my friend convinced me to take a test to get hired on with the city. So I did, I was hired and I stayed there for 3 years while attending graduate school.

I spent 4 years in graduate school--part-time--and still didn't know what I wanted to do.

I fell into the Child Protection field and have sort of stayed here. Right now I do preventive/trauma work, but still with a similar focus that I've always had in work.

Very long story, long...

I am at the point in my career where I am about sit for my second licensing exam. There are two levels of licensure for Social Work. I attained my first level when I graduated, and I have been working for the second level for the last 2 years. Again, I didn't even want to do a clinical track, but I did it because my job came along and basically paid me to work towards my licensure.

You see? Driven meets Lazy.

It's really hard to reconcile how I have gotten to this high level of intelligence (funny, saracasm!) with other people putting bugs in my ear and me just listening.

Why am I writing this post?

Well, because when is enough, enough? I am studying for my next test.

But, what's on my mind? Law School!

Law School has been on my mind since the day I was born, probably. I have always been fascinated by the Law and I have always wanted to do something IN law.

But then I ask myself, why? Why do I want to become an Attorney? I have gotten one Master's, I can probably live a long healthy life with my career.

When I ask myself this question, I also wonder, 'when is enough enough'...do people ever reach a level of satisfaction when they stop seeking the next achievement?

For the last few YEARS, I have trying to calm the law school bug down. I tell myself more loans, STRESS, the Bar, getting in to a good school, taking the LSATS, etc.

But...then I start dreaming of actually practicing law. Helping people. Just furthering my scope of advocacy.

Hopefully, my laziness will kick in and stop me from researching schools, LSAT scores, acceptance requirements.....

I am so glad I named this blog Confessions of a Slogger vs. Let's Run or something silly like that...

I do more confessing than talking about running. ;)

I am so distracted-MONDAY!!

It's not like I don't have a ton to do, but I am so distracted.

My thoughts are:

BABIES!!

and

Good Men!

Why am I thinking about those two things on a monday morning? Umm...because I am single woman and have neither.

Babies are just in the back of my mind. I do not think they are a fresh, must have tomorrow, want. Just a turn that my brain has made. For several years, I shut my mind off to the idea of children. Now, suddenly, my brain is saying, "you want babies!"...but before I can have one,

I must get a GOOD MAN.

Why are good men on my mind? Well, because I've been running across several in my normal life and it's just making me realize that I want one. Not tomorrow...but one day.

I think about my dating history, and the guys I typically date. They are typically--good looking, dark, tall (one shorty thrown in there), flashy, and appealing. They have all had different things that attracted me to them. They also had one thing in common--ARROGANCE!! I don't think I've ever dated a man that wasn't arrogant in some way. They have all been nice men, imo...but they were all arrogant. It was disguised as 'confidence', but if I was honest...it was arrogance.

I am not trying to say that arrogant men can't be nice guys but they are typically too wrapped up into themselves to be just a nice guy.

I'm trying to get out of sizing a guy up before showing my interest. I think I am finally getting to a point in my life where the qualities of a guy matter. I mean, qualities have always mattered...but looks came first.

I am trying to change this about myself.

I will just talk about a few nice men who have been on mind...they are all taken, so no need to ask ;)

First is a guy I used to date. When I was dating this guy, I was dating one other guy and my ex came back into my life. This guy was the nice guy of the bunch. We met on Plenty of Fish. Our first meeting was at Starbucks. The guy was INTO ME. He was so nice, he listened, he asked questions...he planned the second date on the first. Everything a girl wants, right? Um.. a normal girl, I suppose. We went on date number 2. He was attentive, he chose a FUN date, we had fun. What was wrong? Well, I kept telling myself that I didn't feel any chemistry, he wasn't physically what I'd normally go for, etc. At the time, I was also dating a bad boy. This guy didn't call regularly or anything, but he was appealing. I was chasing HIM hard, while the nice guy was chasing me hard...insert the REAL bad guy, my ex. My ex came back and both the nice guy and the bad boy were basically history. My ex was my 'true' love and when he came back, I didn't have time for either.

Anyway, nice guy called me several times to try to get back with me...but I completely ignored him. When my ex burned me about a year later, the nice guy reached back out to me and asked if he could have another chance. I just wasn't 'ready'...

Well, fast forward and he with a nice girl. I am happy for him, I am...he deserves someone that can see his goodness, but why the freak was I so vain?? I am still kicking myself for not seeing that this man was a nice guy and probably would have worshipped the ground I walked on!!

Nice guy number 2 is a guy I work with. We have never had a relationship or anything, but he is just a geniunely nice guy. He is so nice to his girlfriend. I contract with his agency, and he makes me feel comfortable whenever I come in! Most recently was this morning, his agency is doing something and my office was taken over by stuff. He called to ask if I was coming in, when I told him yes...he cleared a spot for me to have a place to work. It made my heart melt. He is just a geniunely NICE person. His girlfriend is very lucky!

The next guy is a guy at a school I do groups in. He is the Assistant Principal of discipline. So basically, he disciplines--all.day. I LOVE how he is with the boys. He is TOUGH on them (it's an all boys school. The school is the last stop before juvenile for a lot of the boys)...but he is SO respectful to them.  I love how he can demand respect, but still let THEM maintain their self respect. I also love that when I did an activity with the boys to identify the people in their life that they can trust, about 50% of the boys named him. Um...~swoon~ A bonus is he is dreamy, lol...hey, a girl has eyes!

I have luckily had a lot of good encounters with nice guys. I love these encounters, because it's makes my conviction at wanting one and getting one even stronger.

Now that I have gotten this out of my head, hopefully I can work!

Oh yea, this is supposed to be a diet and fitness blog... let me update on that quickly.

Fitness:
I am doing a Daily 30 Day Shred Challenge. I am 15 days in and loving it! My other cardio has reduced, but it's for the best!

Diet:
Eh, could be better!

Ta-ta for now :)