Reasons 4, 5, 6, 7, AND 8 why I want to lose weight, the move that never ends update and the race report that I didn't run

Holy shit that's a long title.

First, Reasons 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8 why I need to lose weight. I bet people thought I forgot. Nope, didn't forget. I've just been crazy busy NOT moving. ;)

Reason 4: To stay healthy. My sister who is overweight has high blood pressure. She had a scare last week with crazy HBP. That scares me and made me realize that I need to stay the course!

Reason 5: I love to move. I want to KEEP moving. I need to stay at a weight where I CAN move and be comfortable. In spin on friday, I felt so good, strong and powerful. At one point, I looked in the mirror while spinning hard and smiled at myself and thought "this is AMAZING, I love that I can move my body"

Reason 6: I love when people say "you are the smallest one in the group, so you can do A, B, C." Yes, I come from a family of 'big boned' people, so being 'the smallest one in the group', IS relative...but hey!

Reason 7: I want to continue to lose, because I love going to a party and not worrying about being the heaviest one there or caring what I eat in front of people. I went to a housewarming on saturday. I ate a piece of cake while there, and didn't have one thought about people thinking that I was too fat for cake. I also didn't even do a room scan to see who else was heavy. All fat people do this so let's not deny it ;)

Reason 8: I found some before pictures. I wanted to post them in this post, but they are on my phone...I'm on my computer...and my phone is losing batteries at only 11AM, so I need to conserve. Suffice to say, I was heavy in those pictures. They reminded me of how far I have come, and WHY I still do this after 12 years. I loved seeing those pictures.

I will try to do daily reasons. However, life sometimes gets in the way of blogging...

Second, the move that never happened...

Well, I was scheduled to move on Saturday. I reserved a Uhaul on friday, and was set to move saturday afternoon. My sister and her fiance were supposed to help. Saturday morning, they woke up and decided to go to the beach...so no help. Thanks, fam! My mom didn't want my dad and I to move alone, so she hired movers to move me this evening. Little did I know that I had a conflicting appointment...soo....it's happening tomorrow. TOMORROW!!!

Third, the 10k I never ran.

I was all hyped to go out and run this 10K. However, as the day wore on on friday...I was getting more and more worried about running 10K in the morning, moving in the afternoon, getting all my last minute stuff AND going to a housewarming in the evening. So the run was cut. I was relieved to sleep in on saturday and had a good day with my mom and little sister shopping...but,

I am slightly disappointed I didn't run. But it's ok! That's life...

My eating was not good saturday. I started the day with 2 hotdogs and chips...weird. I ended the day with cookie dough and a whole lotta junk in between.

Yesterday I woke up and was just done. I didn't eat too badly yesterday.

Today is a new day. I finish the 30 day Shred challenge this evening. Tomorrow I start Ripped in 30, and I will have to do 2 make up days for the Shred. We are also doing an elimination challenge. Basically, eliminating a trigger food. Of course, mine is refined sugar. I am just aiming for a month.

AND, Friday I turn 30!

Why I want to lose weight Day 3

I want to lose weight to run a strong, safe, and healthy MARATHON in November.

Today IS the day that New York Road Runner does the lottery picks for the Marathon. I am SO excited and on pins and needles.

Yesterday, I actually took pics of my breakfast and lunch. However, I am on a computer and my pictures are on the phone! So disorganized.

My menu from yesterday was:

Breakfast:
Omelet - 2 egg whites, 1 egg; ham slices and cheese
Coffee

Lunch:
Salad with red pepper and avocado (a fav right now)
Stuffed chicken breast
Ranch

Snacks: (this is where the day gets hairy)
Pineapple
2 dove dark chocolate squares
Luna Bar (got hungry on the way home...)
Chocolate covered almonds (umm...)
2 glasses of wine (what a weird craving......)
1 serving of trail mix

Umm..eek!

Dinner:
One enchilada
Salad

My issue yesterday was that I started snacking when I walked through the door. I saw the almonds and grabbed 2-3, then went back for 2-3 more, and so it goes...

This morning, I woke up and did the 30 day Shred. It felt good to work my body out! I can't believe I've gotten through most of the month of that challenge. It makes me feel so good!

Now off to continue to do busy work until I know about the marathon.

Since I can't beat it, I might as well join it...

It is 'the diet'...

In an effort to curb my cravings, I decided to write a nice list of things that would happen in a perfect world.

Wouldn't it be nice if:

1. Chocolate had no calories? Wouldn't it also be nice if dark chocolate had no calories. I mean it's 'good for you', why can't I eat it in mass quantities? I'd settle for vats full of dark chocolate. I don't need milk chocolate to be happy.

2. If you lost weight, and got a banging body. My body resembles the body of a 65 year old woman. No matter how much running, weight training or praying I do, it sags. Shouldn't the reward for starving yourself be a banging body? Another unfair thing is that since I am up 7 pds, my breast are looking nice...but when I lose the 7 pds, they will deflate along with my extra tummy I've acquired. What's the fairness in that?

3. Why does hunger have to come so often? I mean, I am hungry every few hours. Why can't hunger just go away when you decide it's time to lose?

4. Why can't chips be one of the food groups? And cake, also. Why can't cake be one of the food groups? I'd settle for just frosting being added. Cake is just the vehicle.

5. Why do carbs have to be the enemy? I know, I know it's not a REAL enemy, but let's be real...nothing 'healthy' starts with white flour.

6. Why can't dried fruit be counted as fruit?

7. Why can't I just naturally pick healthy food? One of my friends posted that age old picture of food from fast food restuarants that never 'go bad'...I mean, I hardly eat fast food. But, if I had a choice, I'd choose fast food over a salad for lunch. The picture is intended to make you think fast food is ick, but all it did was make me want a hamburger and fries. Not that I will eat one anytime soon, or have eaten one anytime soon...but pictures liked that don't deter me. The only thing that REALLY deters me is the expense of fast food.

Aside from fast food, if given the choice, I always want the unhealthy option. I only choose the healthier option most of the time because 1. I get embarassed when others see me eat 'bad' and 2. I do have a tiny bit of fear of regaining my weight! Ok, a HUGE fear...

8. Why can't exercise sub healthy eating? I love to exercise. I exercise to meditate, to day dream, to think, to relax, to be alone...not just for weight loss. But wouldn't it be nice if you committed to exercising 2 hrs a day, you could be magically be at your goal weight?

9. Wouldn't it be nice if weight loss was truly like science and predictable. What if you commit to losing 50 pds in 365 days. Roughly a pd a week. Wouldn't it be nice if you made this committment that it would happen? It's not fair that you can do everything right..ok, MOST things right, and it still might not happen?

10. Wouldn't it be nice if weekends didn't count against you? I mean I follow a mean diet during the week, but I'll be damned if Friday doesn't come every freaking week to derail me.

In a perfect world, I tell you...

Why I want to lose weight day 2 and my journal

I want to be in control.

My journal. Umm, I forgot to take pictures of everything! Who does that? It was the first day...

But, this is what I ate:

2 egg whites, 1 egg
Slice of cheese
Turkey
Coffee with natural bliss creamer

Salad with avocado and red pepper
Chicken breast
Pineapple
2 bliss dark chocolate squares

Ribs
Salad with avocado
2 servings of trail mix

30 day shred level 3, day 3 or 4.

I did not eat the jalapeño flavored fritos that were calling my name when I walked through the door. I did not stop and get nuts when I was "hungry" on the way home.

I did go to bed insanely early last night. The night before, I didn't sleep well.

Why I want to lose weight day 1

I need accountability and to remind myself why I'm on this journey. So don't be surprised if you see me posting this type of message on a daily basis for the next 30 days.

I want to lose weight to get stronger.

It's Sunday and I need some structure...

For the last few months, I have just been coasting along. I have so much going on, I feel like my life is going at warp speed.

When life gets busy, the first thing to go by the wayside is diet. Exercise is fine...it's always the diet. It all starts with good intentions. I allow one treat, that leads to two, that leads to three...which then leads, to months long treats and me recommitting to myself when I feel gross.

Well, today is the end of that (for now--not ever. Life does get in the way, and that's ok, IMO. I think the key is knowing when to reign it in). I haven't been journalling at my fitness pal. I was going to get a notebook to write in, but I think I need some public embarrassment. I'm going to start taking pics and uploading them on the blog. I'm going to commit to doing this for a month. So from tomorrow (lol) until May 23rd, you will be seeing my repetitive meals, my slip ups and the good food.

I am in the midst of a 30 day Shred challenge. That ends on May 1st. The group and I will then start Ripped in 30 for the month. In addition to that, I will be training for a half that's on July 9th. That will either kill me or make me stronger for the marathon in November. My goal for that race is 2:45. I can do it, I just need to do it. I have a 10k on Saturday. I will do it in 1:15 or less. I'm aiming for 1:12, but I haven't run much at all this month, so I need to take that into consideration when setting my goal.Now that I've gotten that out, I feel better!

Do people ever stop trying to achieve just one.more.thing?

I have never really thought of myself as a go-getter. I actually think of myself as lazy and a little too undriven.

However, when I sit down to reflect, maybe I am just lazy-driven... Driven into laziness? LOL. No, may be my drive just gets lazy at times. But when is being driven too much, when is laziness OK? I have a hard time figuring out the balance in being driven and lazy. I need to find a balance in knowing my limits and just relaxing and enjoying life.

When I think back on my life, I've always been working on something. Let's do a little timeline:

First goal was weight loss. I started in my senior year of high school, and chased that goal until I was down 100 pds--5 years later. See where the driven meets lazy?

Second goal was running. I chased that goal until I could run without dying. But again, my mile times aren't stellar. I still am between a 12-13mm. Again, lazy meets driven.

Third goal is maintenance.  I have maintained for 7 years now, but at a higher than normal goal weight. It's not easy to maintain, so I do feel I am successful. But again, I am not at a 'goal' weight others aspire to be at. So, again, driven/determination meets lazy/complacent.

Aside from my physical goals, I've also had a lot of career/school goals.

When I graduated high school, I really had no plans for the future. I vaguely wanted to be an attorney, but I didn't really know what kind. Actually I did know what kind, I wanted to be an advocate/attorney for the parents of special needs children. I could get in to why this goal was so specialized, but it's too long of a story.

Back to when I graduated high school--no goals, I was just told you have to go somewhere in the Fall. I went from High School to a Junior College. Something happened, the driven side of me must have taken over, and I excelled and did really well. I got accepted to a respectable out of state Private U and did well.

I got all the way to the end of my undergraduate career and still didn't know what I wanted to do. During that time, my goals changed and I wanted to do Social Work. I thank Dr. Petrie for introducing me to this underpaid, overworked, but very rewarding field. I knew I wanted to go to social work school post UG, but I didn't know what I wanted to do with the degree or what type of job I wanted...

My first job out of colllege literally fell into my lap. I was hired on from my internship. See, I am not TOO unmotivated!

From my first job, my friend convinced me to take a test to get hired on with the city. So I did, I was hired and I stayed there for 3 years while attending graduate school.

I spent 4 years in graduate school--part-time--and still didn't know what I wanted to do.

I fell into the Child Protection field and have sort of stayed here. Right now I do preventive/trauma work, but still with a similar focus that I've always had in work.

Very long story, long...

I am at the point in my career where I am about sit for my second licensing exam. There are two levels of licensure for Social Work. I attained my first level when I graduated, and I have been working for the second level for the last 2 years. Again, I didn't even want to do a clinical track, but I did it because my job came along and basically paid me to work towards my licensure.

You see? Driven meets Lazy.

It's really hard to reconcile how I have gotten to this high level of intelligence (funny, saracasm!) with other people putting bugs in my ear and me just listening.

Why am I writing this post?

Well, because when is enough, enough? I am studying for my next test.

But, what's on my mind? Law School!

Law School has been on my mind since the day I was born, probably. I have always been fascinated by the Law and I have always wanted to do something IN law.

But then I ask myself, why? Why do I want to become an Attorney? I have gotten one Master's, I can probably live a long healthy life with my career.

When I ask myself this question, I also wonder, 'when is enough enough'...do people ever reach a level of satisfaction when they stop seeking the next achievement?

For the last few YEARS, I have trying to calm the law school bug down. I tell myself more loans, STRESS, the Bar, getting in to a good school, taking the LSATS, etc.

But...then I start dreaming of actually practicing law. Helping people. Just furthering my scope of advocacy.

Hopefully, my laziness will kick in and stop me from researching schools, LSAT scores, acceptance requirements.....

I am so glad I named this blog Confessions of a Slogger vs. Let's Run or something silly like that...

I do more confessing than talking about running. ;)

I am so distracted-MONDAY!!

It's not like I don't have a ton to do, but I am so distracted.

My thoughts are:

BABIES!!

and

Good Men!

Why am I thinking about those two things on a monday morning? Umm...because I am single woman and have neither.

Babies are just in the back of my mind. I do not think they are a fresh, must have tomorrow, want. Just a turn that my brain has made. For several years, I shut my mind off to the idea of children. Now, suddenly, my brain is saying, "you want babies!"...but before I can have one,

I must get a GOOD MAN.

Why are good men on my mind? Well, because I've been running across several in my normal life and it's just making me realize that I want one. Not tomorrow...but one day.

I think about my dating history, and the guys I typically date. They are typically--good looking, dark, tall (one shorty thrown in there), flashy, and appealing. They have all had different things that attracted me to them. They also had one thing in common--ARROGANCE!! I don't think I've ever dated a man that wasn't arrogant in some way. They have all been nice men, imo...but they were all arrogant. It was disguised as 'confidence', but if I was honest...it was arrogance.

I am not trying to say that arrogant men can't be nice guys but they are typically too wrapped up into themselves to be just a nice guy.

I'm trying to get out of sizing a guy up before showing my interest. I think I am finally getting to a point in my life where the qualities of a guy matter. I mean, qualities have always mattered...but looks came first.

I am trying to change this about myself.

I will just talk about a few nice men who have been on mind...they are all taken, so no need to ask ;)

First is a guy I used to date. When I was dating this guy, I was dating one other guy and my ex came back into my life. This guy was the nice guy of the bunch. We met on Plenty of Fish. Our first meeting was at Starbucks. The guy was INTO ME. He was so nice, he listened, he asked questions...he planned the second date on the first. Everything a girl wants, right? Um.. a normal girl, I suppose. We went on date number 2. He was attentive, he chose a FUN date, we had fun. What was wrong? Well, I kept telling myself that I didn't feel any chemistry, he wasn't physically what I'd normally go for, etc. At the time, I was also dating a bad boy. This guy didn't call regularly or anything, but he was appealing. I was chasing HIM hard, while the nice guy was chasing me hard...insert the REAL bad guy, my ex. My ex came back and both the nice guy and the bad boy were basically history. My ex was my 'true' love and when he came back, I didn't have time for either.

Anyway, nice guy called me several times to try to get back with me...but I completely ignored him. When my ex burned me about a year later, the nice guy reached back out to me and asked if he could have another chance. I just wasn't 'ready'...

Well, fast forward and he with a nice girl. I am happy for him, I am...he deserves someone that can see his goodness, but why the freak was I so vain?? I am still kicking myself for not seeing that this man was a nice guy and probably would have worshipped the ground I walked on!!

Nice guy number 2 is a guy I work with. We have never had a relationship or anything, but he is just a geniunely nice guy. He is so nice to his girlfriend. I contract with his agency, and he makes me feel comfortable whenever I come in! Most recently was this morning, his agency is doing something and my office was taken over by stuff. He called to ask if I was coming in, when I told him yes...he cleared a spot for me to have a place to work. It made my heart melt. He is just a geniunely NICE person. His girlfriend is very lucky!

The next guy is a guy at a school I do groups in. He is the Assistant Principal of discipline. So basically, he disciplines--all.day. I LOVE how he is with the boys. He is TOUGH on them (it's an all boys school. The school is the last stop before juvenile for a lot of the boys)...but he is SO respectful to them.  I love how he can demand respect, but still let THEM maintain their self respect. I also love that when I did an activity with the boys to identify the people in their life that they can trust, about 50% of the boys named him. Um...~swoon~ A bonus is he is dreamy, lol...hey, a girl has eyes!

I have luckily had a lot of good encounters with nice guys. I love these encounters, because it's makes my conviction at wanting one and getting one even stronger.

Now that I have gotten this out of my head, hopefully I can work!

Oh yea, this is supposed to be a diet and fitness blog... let me update on that quickly.

Fitness:
I am doing a Daily 30 Day Shred Challenge. I am 15 days in and loving it! My other cardio has reduced, but it's for the best!

Diet:
Eh, could be better!

Ta-ta for now :)

Happy Friday!

It's friday, and I am having deep thoughts. 

I should not be having deep thoughts on friday.

I should be at happy hour, but it was cancelled. I am secretly happy, but sound like a nerd for being happy...so I will be sad :(  What ever will I do with myself...Sit at home, in my PJs, and watch trash TV...#storyofmylife.

Losing weight and people who have lost weight have been on my mind lately.

It all started on sunday when I was just sick and fat feeling after a weekend of eating junk. It continued when I watched "My 600 pd life" on Monday. It has continued, when I see/hear people who get caught up in where they need to go vs. what they have done.

I have so many thoughts on this topic, but I'd like to really detail them, so I will not go into them today! I will though...

I have a lot of thoughts on losing weight. When I first started losing weight, I imagined a whole new life for myself. When I got to 100 pd lost, I had the same life. At each big milestone, I'd expect this huge change to occur...it never happened.

I think people who embark on this journey just don't realize how up and down the journey can be.

So...I will be a good little blogger and think about the subject and break down my thoughts.

In the mean time, I will be having a good weekend and finishing painting...it's almost done!!

I have set my move in date for next weekend. NEXT. WEEKEND.

That is so close, I can feel it in my bones.

Alright, I must go...

:)

Overwhelmed

Have you ever been so overwhelmed, you become paralyzed into inaction?

I feel like that at the moment.

I feel like my whole life is up in the air. Yes, that's dramatic, but I seem to do dramatic best. It's funny because to others, I think I look so put together and able to handle a lot. But the truth is, I tend to shut down and not tell others my fears and worries, especially when things are so uncertain.

Today I had my last clinical supervision. I never wanted to do clinical supervision. But, while meeting with my supervisor, I had to fight back tears. She has taught me SO much and really exhibited what I want to be as a social worker. She is also so good at validating my thoughts/fears/ideas. It's a bitter-sweet ending. However, like she said, it's also exciting. With my new level of licensure, I will have more delegating powers and more freedom to do contract work.

However, what also comes with the licensure is the ever present 'what's next' question. What is next? I have no clue! I am working on just living in the moment and not thinking about tomorrow, but that's like next to impossible. I am already planning 'what's next'... a job move? more schooling?

Also, if that wasn't enough...the move! This is never ending move. Ok, people always said BUYING a house was hard. BUT, just getting this house move-in ready is overwhelming. It's like one thing gets done, another pops up. It IS just about done, but I need to get the ceilings and baseboards painted. I had a guy do a lot of the work I couldn't do, but I told him I'd do the baseboard and ceilings...how silly I was to think that would be easy work. I will be calling him back out to complete that. Other than that, it is ready to move in. Umm...hello, scary!! I hope the boogeyman leaves me alone.

Also, if that wasn't enough...I AM TURNING 30 NEXT MONTH. Ok, for the last year I have vacillated between being totally COOL that I am turning 30, to freaking the fuck (excuse my French) out. I think when I was 20, I had grand dreams of being married with 2.5 children, being rich AND having an awesome career.

Let's access those goals:

Married-negative
Children-negative, double negative to 2.5
Being rich-NEGATIVE--OMG, why didn't I realize 'getting rich' at 20 wasn't something that just happened?
Awesome Career? Ok, that's debatable. I am actually cool with where I am career wise.

Entering 30 is intimidating. I think people will start expecting more out of me. In the last 3-6 months, my mom has been trying to set me up with everyone from the garbage man, to the UPS guy, to the contractor who worked on my house!! LOL. Geesh. Poor thing is getting scared.

I think that's all that's changing....

Oh, and my sister is getting married, my best friend is getting married. RE: MORE money being spent.

Soo...

With all that change comes eating. I am an emotional eater. I have been emotionally eating for far too long. My cycle is do well, fall off, do well, fall off...that cycles just creates the feeling of bloat, disappointment and general disgust in myself!! I just need life to stop a bit, so I can focus on my eating.

I am going back to low sugar. I just have to.

I am also 8 days into a 30 Shred Challenge. That's actually pretty cool.

Alright, I've chatted enough...must go!